Heading Home

Today's blog posts were the last for the FINDING FREEDOM platform. I am not sure how much freedom I found but I did have the opportunity to explore many different topics. Now that my birthday has passed, I will be heading home to my original blog.

Join me here for future blogs: http://michelesingsit.blogspot.com/

And thank you for reading!

Michele

Finding Freedom, Day 1: 45 Things to Know on My 45th Birthday

I wish I had written this list in advance, allowing it to compile itself over the 45 days leading up to my birthday. But because I am the best at procrastinating, I decided to wait. I planned to wait until the end of the day ON my birthday to write it. However, last night was a disaster so I came home and went straight to bed. I woke up this morning at my usual time (some time between 5 and 6AM), with a bloody nose, ate some leftover home made mac and cheese, prayed, let the dog out, and thought long and hard about my life. I wish I had written this list in advance. Because now... I am feeling a little more jaded than hopeful.

Good things happened yesterday. My beautiful, smart Goddaughter, who is excelling in her career and well on her way to an amazing story-filled life, called the shop where my car was being fixed and made a payment on the work. What an amazing blessing when you are facing a $422 bill on your birthday. My sister and my three besties (Tiffany, Diane & Craig) were true to their roles in my life and offered beautiful birthday wishes and support. Facebook rocked. If I had to pick only one reason to love Facebook, it would be my birthday when almost 200 people send a note my way every year.

No matter how old you are, you create expectations for your birthday. With the exception of my 40th, my expectations have been relatively the same. I don't want a big deal. Just dinner with friends. Nothing wild and crazy. And that's how it has been. Sometimes routine is what is best. I understand why some people just stay in their corner of the world and refuse to venture out. Last night was a disaster. I planned a month ago to go to a trivia night with coworkers. Life is hectic for the ones I am closest to so I thought I would do something safe. The first people I saw were my ex friends. When I overcame the moment of panic that accompanied that, a domino of bizarre, eighth-grade-type events began to unfold and I ended up leaving. It was likely the worst birthday I have had since I turned 30. (Thirty was the last time I tried to live outside of my typical birthday box.)

So, I cried a little. I told a few people to kindly fuck off. And I immediately regretted nearly every decision I have made in the last month. That is going to color this list a bit and for that, I apologize. But, here it goes:

1. I am all an all-in person. I don't half ass my relationships no matter what kind of relationships they are. I give everything I've got.
2. While it appears as if I trust too easily, I am really just giving people the opportunity to screw up so I can cut them off. I don't truly trust many.
3. It makes me uncomfortable when others advocate for me. While I am not the first person to stand up for myself, I don't trust what anyone else might say. I would rather speak for myself. (If you are going to quote me, you should quote me exactly.)
4. I am not easy to love. Loving me requires work, jumping through a few hoops even. I am completely aware of this and sometimes I feel bad about it but, as cliche as it sounds, I am expecting you to leave. So, if you are planning to stay, I need to you to show me.
5. I could eat mac and cheese or Mexican food three times a day. There is not a moment in life when cheesy noodles or tacos doesn't sound like a good idea.
6. The same goes for cupcakes. I will eat them for breakfast, take one for the road and chow down on a third an hour later. 
7. That said, I don't like being fat. I am uncomfortable sometimes. I know my heart can't take it and I am pretty sure I am almost diabetic, if not already. There is some work to be done.
8. I don't have time for people who try to make me feel stupid. Support is not degrading another person for their mistakes. It's not "I told you so."
9. When I feel stupid because of the "brave" efforts of someone else, I will make someone's life miserable or hurt someone with my words.
10. I also don't have time for selfishness. I don't expect everyone to charge full boar into a relationship but if the last thing you do is think of others, you should happily keep walking in a direction that is far away from me.
11. I like dogs more than people.
12. Weather changes are difficult for me. They affect my body in the worst way but they also affect my mood.
13. I believe in the power of a full moon. (Which explains why last night was so completely fucked up.)
14. I curse. A lot. And I am not sorry.
15. My recurring dreams are about losing my teeth, having contacts that are so oddly shaped I can't fit them into my eyes, and that I am being stalked by lions.
16. I used to see a psychic a few times a year. I know some people thinks that's demonic but you are entitled to your opinion. You are also free to pray for my deliverance.
17. I walk my dog twice a day. Three times on the weekends.
18. I have dog mom guilt. I cannot leave her for too long and if I go a day without walking her, I feel like a jerk.
19. I don't believe everyone should have a dog. Leaving a dog alone for twelve hours a day is the equivalent of chaining him to a tree. 
20. I have strong opinions that go beyond pet ownership. This is not a surprise to most people.
21. For years, I have wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Others laugh at me or tell me how dumb that is all the time. Most of those people have never been pregnant.
22. I hate that I am turning 45. It is the first birthday that I have absolutely despised. 
23. I am afraid I am going to die soon. My grandparents on my birth mom's side died in their 50s from heart attacks.
24. Some days, I wish I had never looked up my adoption records. I am so grateful to have met most of my family members but it was a decision that altered the course of my life dramatically and that destroyed some of my family relationships too.
25. I wish that people would look as deeply inside me as I do them.
26. If I could do three things today, I would get a massage, get a pedicure and make out with Dwayne Johnson. (The real Dwayne Johnson)
27. I love to cook and every week, I try a new recipe. 
28. I used to love to bake. I don't know what made me stop. I might have to examine that a little bit. 
29. I am in more debt now than I have ever been. My career transition and the subsequent cut in pay might be what causes that heart attack I am worried about...
30. I would like to move out of the state.
31. I would love to teach on a reservation. 
32. There are days when I think it might be best for me to just stop speaking. Permanently.
33. I have never been suicidal but I think about running away all of the time.
34. I love fresh flowers. When I had money, I bought them every week at the Farmer's Market. I used to buy them for my project management teams too. 
35. If I tell you that I love you, I mean it. It is not always a phrase of intimacy for me. In fact, that's probably when I say it the least. 
36. I feel every emotion deeply and profoundly. 
37. I sometimes feel weighed down by what others are going through and it is paralyzing for me.
38. I often think that this life is not the one I was meant to live. Like I was switched at birth or got caught up in a parallel universe.
39. Diet Dr. Pepper is probably slowly killing me but I can't stop drinking it.
40. I miss traveling.
41. I also miss having my own space.
42. While I willingly care for others, feeling like I am the only one who has to take care of everyone else makes me angry. And I actually find myself hating people who don't take care of their families because it seems wrong and it seems unfair.
43. I am already feeling done with 2016. 
44. I plan to spend this year getting my books published and working on a few things that will be for my benefit alone.
45. Forty-five completely sucks so far. I do not recommend it.

Finding Freedom, Day 2: Inspiring Women

My hopes and dreams as a child were not very big. Because I never fully grasped the notion that possibilities are endless, I didn't chase what seemed impossible. With age comes wisdom, however, and I quickly learned that I could become great at anything but one of the keys to doing so was to surround myself with inspiring women, women who could teach me and guide me and lead me in the right direction.

It is dangerous to try to list every woman who has inspired me along the way because I know that I will forget someone and I would hate to overlook any of the amazing women who have poured into my life. But... I am going to name a few anyway. Before I start, I want to make a brief disclaimer. If you are a woman with whom I have crossed paths at any time in my life, please know that I have tried to learn from you, I have engaged in our relationship whole-heartedly and you have impacted my life in some way whether you know it or not. I have taken something away from our interaction that has affected my life.

Obviously the woman who inspired me most at an early age was my mom. She made her own clothes and always had jewelry and heels to match. She managed the household with ease, our house was always clean and she taught me how to play basketball. Because of her, all I ever wanted was to grow up and get married and have babies. My sister, Denise, inspires me in much the same way but with the added pressure of being a working mom yet doing it so well. I admire her strength and her drive to provide.

Before I was school aged, I was surround by women who encouraged me and gave me hope, probably without knowing it. I don't have a lot of early memories but I remember that the most loving arms next to my mom's were my Aunt Georgia's. I remember my Aunt Susie's laugh and my Aunt Rosemary's artistry and my oldest cousin Linda was always so beautiful. I loved when she hot-rolled my hair and feathered it like Farrah Fawcett. My best friend Diane's mom, Lois would stand on the porch and yell for her boys to come home at dinner time and she was really funny sometimes. What power...

Speaking of Diane... We have been friends since before we could walk or talk. That's 44 years for those who are counting and I don't want to know what life is like without her. There is not one moment of my life that I have not shared with her and I am forever grateful for Diane.

When I got to school, there were some teachers along the way to led me to believe that I had some sort of special ability that would project me out into the world and make me successful. My kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Droste taught everyone in my neighborhood for more than thirty years. Sister Marie was a beast in the classroom but when I saw her outside of school, she was sweet. She was my first lesson in code switching. Mrs. Walsh made me a writer. Sister Bea made me a singer. Senora Waugh made me appreciate my education. And in college, Dr. Birkmann made me a teacher.

And let's not forget my girl friends! My teammates taught me how to enjoy the wins and how to survive the losses. They taught me that a group of girls with nothing in common but sport can become family, that great things happen when you stick together and that life will never be the same once you are part of a team.

Right after college, in my years of enlightenment, I found Jesus. I mean, I knew him before. I was a confirmed Catholic after all. But I got to know him better thanks to women like The Green Family women... all of them. Kathy Jones and Serena Johnson and Rose Daniels taught me that to love your family was to love Christ. There were so MANY women pouring into my life then. Today, I enjoy the residual friendship of that time with women who, in their twenties then, have grown into incredible examples of motherhood, wife life, entrepreneurship, love and determination.

My Jesus walk led me to my sisterhood with Tiffany. We have been friends, roommates, writing partners, dream sharers, realty TV show contestants and sisters for more than 20 years. As she leaves St. Louis to pursue her dreams in California, she inspires me yet again to strive for that which I was created, to refuse complacency and to live, not just be.

Through my working years, I have been lucky enough to learn from and with some really gifted people. The agency life is wild. The corporate life is complicated. The teaching life is insanely hard but so rewarding. I could not have reached my highest potential in the ad world without the guidance of many writers, project managers, scientists, brand managers, marketing wizards, creative geniuses... There was a woman at Purina, Kathy, who regularly encouraged me to look out for myself and focus on some personal successes. Her advice never went unheard. I just didn't achieve some of the things she encouraged until long after we worked together. But I never would have bought my own home if not for her suggestions. From every job, I have taken a handful of women who still inspire me today.

Finally, I have had enduring friendships over the years without which I clearly would not have survived. My friends from high school and college have all proven that there is nothing a woman can't do, that time does not diminish the possibilities and that women can set aside our competitive nature to support, nurture and encourage one another.

It is difficult for many women to trust other women. While I won't deny that I have had many negative experiences with other women, I will not allow those experiences to overshadow the good.

Finding Freedom, Day 3: Learning to Love Your Story

Long before I was conceived my story began. While I don't know all of the pieces from that frame of time, I do know that a pretty red-haired teenage girl from a big, Catholic family in north St. Louis county met a tall, good-looking guy from the south side and things happened. And from that brief union, I was created.

The chaotic wildness surrounding that union is part of my story too. One thing the 70's was not was boring. People were protesting the Vietnam War and the shooting at Kent State occurred. The Beatles broke up. Bobby Orr was a hockey hero. Gay rights soared to the forefront of the news when activists organized in every state across the country. Disney World opened, punk music hit the scene, and I was born.

When I was three days old, I was turned over to a foster family who cared for me until my adoption began six weeks later. My mom and dad took me home, introduced me to the rest of the family and  my life really began. My hardworking father owned a grocery store where he was a butcher while my mom stayed home, tending to the household, serving dinner promptly at 5PM every night. At the age of four, I was blessed with a little sister. Her birthday was the day after mine. I didn't care. I had my own room but I wanted to sleep with the baby so I did.

I went to private Catholic schools. By second grade my indoctrination into the sporting world began with basketball, followed by volleyball and then, finally, softball. I played all three sports through my sophomore year in high school. Then I carried my love for volleyball into college. I also played basketball in college but I joined mostly for the camaraderie of the team and because I thought the coach was hot.

I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17 and I wanted to die when I finally did. It was awful and I was certain he was trying to suffocate me. I liked boys. I liked looking at them. They were just so weird. And they scared me. I wasn't really sure how all of that worked. Needless to say, I held onto my virginity until I was well into college.

In my early college days, I discovered a bit more about my birth parents' backgrounds through a letter left at the adoption agency by my birth mom, Denice. She was so incredibly attentive. For ten years after my adoption, she returned to the agency to update my medical records. Most adopted kids don't have that. I learned that I was the only child to whom she ever gave birth. She was not in a relationship with my birth father. He was married to someone else and already had two other children. I was one of a kind, apparently.

Later on, in my 30s, I met her: my birth mom. She wanted more from me than I could offer. So our contact was short-lived. But during that time, she gave me my birth father's name and I began the quest to find him. Ten years later, I met my oldest sister, followed my a myriad of family members.

There are many things about my story that are influenced by my birth and many others influenced by my upbringing. Some are difficult for me to talk about but for the most part, I have always loved my story. I love the ridiculousness of it the most because it makes sense that someone like me, just being who I am today, and who was born in the 70s doesn't have a boring history. My history is rich and bizarre and riddled with bad choices and tough decisions and sheer lunacy.

But it is my story and I have learned to love the really awful stuff almost as much as I love the parts that are easy to love. A big part of finding freedom is learning to love your story. I love mine and because of that, I am free.

Finding Freedom, Day 4: Phenomenal Woman

Phenomenal Woman

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Finding Freedom, Day 5: The Urge to Fly

Forever, it seems, I have had the urge to fly the coop and venture off into horizons of a new and different kind. To leave the home I have known so long and forge a new kind of life, still on the same path just in a new location, always seemed impossible. And now I sit on the doorstep of my 45th birthday wondering what might have been.

What if I had not been afraid to leave home? What if I had more confidence as a young girl and had gone away to college? What if I had taken a job three states away? What if I didn't have the overwhelming sense of responsibility for my parents that shackles my curiosity? What if I had acted on my urge to fly?

Those little nimble musicians of the air, that warble forth their curious ditties, with which nature hath furnished them to the shame of art.  ~Izaak Walton

Finding Freedom, Day 6: I don't do well...

"Is there anything you're not good at?"

Yes, as a matter of fact, I don't do well with many things.

I don't do well in situations where I cannot see the eventual outcome.
I don't do well in traffic and I absolutely hate driving in the rain.
I am not good at obeying doctor's orders which might be why i am in pain almost all the time.
I don't do well in crowds of pretentious people who stare down their noses at me and my decisions.
I don't do well with saying NO. Even when others take advantage of me, it is difficult for me to tell them to fuck off like I probably should.
I don't do well with my annual resolve to stop cussing. I know it is wrong or  not lady-like or inappropriate or unprofessional or one of those things all the time. I am pretty sure Jesus never dropped the F-bomb and I really do love me some Jesus. But I also really like to cuss. Sometimes saying, "are you serious?" is not enough. You need a good, "Are you fucking kidding me?" on highway 70 in the mornings sometimes. And, "I am so mad at you" is just not as effective as the big ol' F YOU in certain situations. (Forgive me Father...)
I don't do well with church. I like church. But these days, I like church online, from my couch.
I don't do well in romantic or intimate relationships. I think like a self-proclaimed life-long bachelor even though I long to be married and a mommy.
I don't do well with people who try to make me feel stupid.
I don't do well with being laughed at... it stirs up an anger in me that could probably do some serious damage.
I don't do well with compliments. They make me uncomfortable.
And I really don't do well with surprises. I liken surprises to the torture of being tickled by someone who refuses to stop until you cry or pee.
I don't do well with taking care of myself or looking out for my own needs.
I don't do well with advocating for myself.
I don't do well with demanding what I want. Especially if it might interfere with the desires of someone else.
I don't do well with finishing what I start if what I started is going to move me forward. But if it is for someone else, it is my priority.
I don't do well with paper. I hate filing. OH MY GOD. I always have stacks and stacks of paper everywhere.
I don't do well with putting away laundry either. I usually have to go to the laundry room in the morning to find something to wear because my drawers are empty.

I am sure I could list 100 more. But after a certain point, I don't do well with lists either.

Finding Freedom, Day 7: Raising My Parents

There has never been a more difficult task than taking on the responsibility of caring for my parents. Old people used to scare me. Perhaps it was the pending finality of their lives that made me uncomfortable. I don't know. But I felt certain that I would never be the one to care for my parents as they aged.

Watching the deterioration in their physical abilities and mental capacity is tempered only by the gift of time with them that I have been given. I lived with them for a short time in my 30s and I joked about having them as roommates. This time around is very different. I have a home that I do not live in because I am with them. My space is one bedroom in the front of their house and my privacy is nearly non-existent. While I do miss my freedom at times and I wish we were in the financial position to get them the care they deserve, I do not resent my current situation.

The stories my mom tells these days are priceless. And my dad has been sharing a lot lately that I had never heard before now. I record them sometimes so I can go back and watch again later. They are sincerely thankful for the things I do for them and can hardly stop thanking me. But it all balances out because I am enjoying it all.

Financially, it is a struggle. Living in one home and maintaining another is taking it's toll. Bills. Groceries. Cars. Managing schedules and meals and getting the 306 loads of laundry done that it seems like we have every week is not easy. I don't sleep much. I don't eat much either but I am still fat. I am concerned about my own health. I worry what might happen to them if I don't get this almost diabetes under control.

Nobody tells you that one day your parents will stop raising you and it will be your turn to take them by the hands and lead them. It is a bittersweet reality. It is a task with an undefined deadline whose end I do not relish. I'd gladly do the job of raising my parents forever, if needed.

Finding Freedom, Day 8: Friends Gone By

For everything there is a season. Or so they say. With most things, it is easy for me to accept that they might endure for a short time or for the time it takes to fulfill their purposes. Friendships, however, are difficult to move on from sometimes. 

I recognize that throughout my life there have been obvious seasons for most of my relationships. When you work with someone day in and day out, for example, your relationship is stronger during that time. And it is difficult to keep in touch when you no longer see each other every day.  Lives progress and move forward or move on and the day-to-day gets in the way. In this instance, I thank God for the invention of Facebook because it has allowed me to reacquaint myself with former coworkers. And when you have had as many jobs as I have had, that's a lot of people!

The same goes for classmates. The every day contacts changes but there are still groups from high school and college with whom I will share experiences and laughs until my time on earth is over. They are life-long friends. The older I get, the more I appreciate them, even if I only physically see them a few times each year. 

Of course there are my tried and true. My BFFs. The ones who have been around for 15-20+ years who are my comforters, my protectors, my supporters.. they are my heart. And I can't imagine life without them.

But there are some who have left or who I have left that are difficult to explain. They are relationships that should have stood the test of time that are destroyed by poor decisions. They are broken situations that might have been mended by a simple apology but too much time passes and then it just feels pointless. Maybe it's too late. So it ends. Permanently. Those are the tough ones. I am haunted by a couple of them. But I just keep moving and watch them get smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror.

For everything there is a season. Or so they say.

Finding Freedom, Day 9: What Women Want

What do women really want? I hate to try to speak for all women but one of the luxuries of being in your forties is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt what you really want.

Like my profile says, in our twenties most of us spend the bulk of our time trying to make others love us. In our thirties, we launch our journeys toward truly loving ourselves. In our forties we have it figured out and we can just love. So I would break it down for the lovers of women like this:

Women in their twenties want love and affection in every respect of the words. There is a craving in mind, body and spirit to be accepted. Criticism of our intelligence or our bodies or our dreams can be as impactful as a bullet. We need constant reassurance that we are beautiful, that our relationship is fine, that you are not going anywhere and that anything can happen if we just keep working toward our goals. We need support. We need the utmost patience as we work through a decade of our lives when we are told we are supposed to finally be adults and we long for total independence but we are still shedding our inner little girl. If you are a man who loves a women in her twenties, you must know that it won't be easy. But you should also know that it will be worth it if you stick it out.

Women in their thirties possess in inner wildness and exuberance that makes them nearly unstoppable. They have discovered their hidden talents, their keys to success, their ability to make stuff happen. To challenge their power is futile. To embrace it is smart. To encourage it is brave and will definitely benefit you in many ways. If you are a man who loves a woman in her thirties, you must know that she is about to set the world on fire. She has plans and it is in your best interest to be along for the ride and not in her way. She needs a different kind of support. She says what she means and means what she says. Don't not be afraid of her. She comes across as not needing you or as wanting to take care of herself but she wants to know that you can be there and care for her if she decides that's what she wants. Love her strongly and firmly and committedly. (Yes, that's a new word.)

Women in their forties are ready to live an uncomplicated life. That is not to say they want what is easy but anything that feels like the drama and struggle of their twenties or to massive effort of her thirties, she will stop listening to you and stop looking at you no matter how intensely beautiful you are. Forty-something women want a man of equal intelligence, not necessarily equal education. They want a man of equal passion for whatever it is she is passionate about or a man who will acquire that same passion. They want to be cared for and cared about and deeply loved. They still want to be told they are loved but they want, even more, to feel loved consistently and constantly. They want limited autonomy but that small space of solitude is important to them. If you are a man who loves a woman in her forties, you must be a man in every sense of the traditional role of protecting and providing. You must always bring 100% of yourself to the table because she will do the same.

Every woman has a different list of what she wants and what she needs. The true key to figuring that out is just to pay attention. Watch. Listen. Remember.

Finding Freedom, Day 10: A Letter to My Students

Someone said, "write a letter to anyone" so I am writing a letter to my freshmen.

Dear students,

When I first heard we were going to spend the year together, I cried. While you will never admit it, I know you were scared. And so was I. I spent most of my lifetime disgusted by teenagers. I didn't even like teenagers when I was a teenager. The only thing worse than teenagers, in my mind, were middle schoolers.

In our first week together, I promised you that I would not pass you unless you could read, write, and learn to be responsible. The truth is that I refuse to let you lose. I refuse to stand by and watch you fail. It is infuriating sometimes and there are days when the challenge of imparting my limited wisdom to you seems overwhelming and almost impossible. But, no matter what happens, I will not quit. Not ever.

Your generation has huge obstacles to overcome and my generation is making sure we live the world in a shambles for you to fix. The future might be too much for you to even think about but I promise you that I will not waste your time teaching you anything that won't benefit you in the future. If you don't believe me, then believe this... I don't want to grade papers that are just time-fillers. That's the truth.

What I know for sure is that I love being a teacher and I hope that some days, you witness my passion. I also know for sure that you are destined for great things. You have a responsibility to be excellent and I have a responsibility to make sure I help you build some stepping stones toward that end.

This year is not easy for any of us. But we will get through it. And we will be grateful for the experiences we shared. It might take twenty years for some of you to be grateful but it will happen. THREE MORE MONTHS until you're sophomores!

Hang in there!

Ms. R

Finding Freedom, Day 11: The Halls of Justice

Sitting in the jury room, waiting for the supervisor to bellow my name loudly over the intercom, I spotted an acquaintance from my baseball days. We struck up a conversation. Our chat distracted us, for a time, from the stale coffee stench wafting through the long, narrow room filled with old theater bucket seats that were jammed with overcoat clad citizens reading papers and filling in crosswords and catching a few quick winks before performing their civil duty.  We laughed, we hugged, and then we ventured on to our designated courtrooms with 40 other jurors to suffer through voir dire.

Ill-prepared public defenders stammered through lists of hypothetical situations rather than asking questions because they just wanted to know if we would decide on a guilty or a not-guilty verdict. But the judge had clearly ordered us not to begin to form an opinion about the case. We had not heard the facts. No witnesses had testified. We were not to decide or even maybe start to think about the fate of the bearded, black man in the blue, collared shirt who looked sternly at us from under his heavy eyelids. He clearly wanted to smile. I wanted to smile at him, in fact. I wanted him to think that maybe for a minute, everything was going to be alright.

As I looked at the man minute after minute, I wanted to know his story and I wanted him to tell it. I wanted the suits to stop chewing at my ears for a moment with their legal rhetoric so the man could talk and just tell us what happened. But he would not speak. Not yet. First there were questions for us that had to be answered to determine if we were fit to hear his story. The prosecuting attorney squealed over and over again, "If you only have the testimony of a police officer, do you think you could find this man guilty?"

I wanted to yell, "I don't know! I don't know his story yet. I don't want to hear it from you or from a police officer. I want to hear him tell me his story and then you can tell me what happened and then I will decide."

But they kept talking in circles, painting giant pictures of nothing, and asking the same questions one hundred twenty-seven times until I thought my ears might bleed. And then the defense attorney returned. Grinning awkwardly, he asked how we were and he started in again with the hypotheticals. If this, then could you? THEN COULD I WHAT? I don't know the story.

No, I won't believe just one witness testimony. Yes, I need physical evidence. Yes I am related to a police officer. But yes, I do believe that some officers lie because they are, after all, human beings. They are real people just like us and just like the man sitting at the table in the blue shirt who is alleged to have committed crimes that to some of us...

Don't seem like that big of a deal.

Was it one joint or twenty? I mean, if it was one, perhaps he was just going to chill at home after a long day at work or share it with a friend. If it was twenty, maybe he was going to distribute. It doesn't matter, they said. Even one is illegal. 20 of the 40 prospective jurors rolled their eyes. Some chuckled.

"Do you own a TV?" asked the pretty, young prosecutor. "So you possess it. Do you have your TV with you right now? No. But you still possess it."

I was screaming inside my own head the entire time. This is crazy. Why is she trying to convince me to think like her? And why are those defense attorneys seemingly so inept?

We finally reached day two of voir dire and the last round of questions. One by one the lawyers picked jurors to stand for interrogation. But is there any way you could come to a guilty verdict? Do you think you could follow the instructions of the court even if you don't think it should be illegal for a man to carry one joint of marijuana? Do you think you can believe witness testimony and come to a place where you are reasonably convinced that he is either guilty or not guilty?

After an hour of deliberation, the final 14 were chosen. All white. 6 women and 6 men. Most of whom had not said a word through the entire voir dire process.

"How is that a jury of his peers?" I asked as the rest of us were ushered outside.

No one answered. And everyone went home.

Finding Freedom, Day 13: I Love My Dog

Michele might be a crazy dog lady. It's true. I try not to be too crazy but I can't help it. I love my dog more than most humans. She is my person sometimes. She is the only one who will listen to me go on and on about whatever happens to be on my mind at the moment or who will sit by me while I cry it out for hours. Some people might find that to be really sad but I think it's neat. I have a dog who follows me around, always has her eye on me, and would take a hand off of anyone who tried to hurt me. I love my dog.

Here are some other things about me and my dog that might make you crazy too.

1. My dog eats what I eat. My Purina friends will lose their minds when they hear this but I do supplement my pups' diet of pizza and steak and chicken and potatoes with Beyond brand dog food. 
2. I talk to my dog like she is a child. I don't use baby talk but I do get super happy and excited.
3. We have talks about her poops. Today, for example, she walked me in circles for twenty minutes before she popped a squat for a tiny poop. Unacceptable.
4. We have ice cream together once a week. 
5. My dog takes up more space in the bed than I do.
6. I swore I would never dress her up and I have never been crazy about Halloween but she gets a costume every year. She also has an adorable red winter coat.
7. She brings me her leash when she needs to go outside. 
8. When I tell her to grab her blanket, she will scour the house until she finds it and bring it to me. Yes, she has her own blanket.
9. There are only two people she is more excited to see than me. They are my mom and my nephew. But I could be gone for fifteen minutes and she greets me like I have been gone for a week. There is nothing like it!
10. She is mean. I don't know what I did to make her that way but I don't trust her with strangers. But I get really upset when other people say she is mean.
11. I keep a box of dog treats on the floor next to her bowls and she helps herself to a couple whenever she feels like it. When the box starts to get empty, She knocks it over and rips out the side for easier access.
12. I think my dog is smarter than most people I know. No offense.
13. We go almost everywhere together. My dog rides shotgun more often than anyone. 
14. If I have a day with no plan at all, I spend it with my dog.
15. A long walk in Forest Park and a trip to PetSmart with my girl makes for a great day.
16. Sometimes, she sits and stares at me and I feel like she has a thousand things to tell me but she can't.
17. When she looks sad, I feel sad. Then I spend whatever amount of time is necessary until her ears perk up.
18. I don't say goodbye to her in the morning because I can't handle her puppy dog eyes.
19. When I travel, I call home so I can talk to her.
20. Someday my prince might come but he is going to have to woo my dog too.

Finding Freedom, Day 14 : Love Each Other

While it seems a trite concept to many or too hippy to others, I believe the answer to most of our problems is simply love. It seems too simple to be the answer to a world filled with conflict. Yet most divisions come on the heels of the inability to understand. Our struggle to wrap our brains around the normal of others creates a barrier for sincere acceptance.

But as human beings, we are not called to understand completely the choices or the desires of others. We are not expected to accept the decisions of others or to be ok with everything they do. We are not charged with knowing the intricate workings of every fabric of every human being around us.

We are simply called to love and not judge. That's it.

Love one another. Love as you would want to be loved. Judge not lest ye be judged. You know the sayings and the scriptures. You know the golden rule.

So why, on a day that is supposed to be all about love, don't we just try to do that. Love without explanation or expectation. Open your mind to the idea that sameness of thought or idea or belief is not a requirement for us to love each other. Then open your heart to give and receive unconditionally.

Happy Love Day.

Finding Freedom, Day 16: Road Tripping

We cannot travel enough. Leaving the comfort of our homes and venturing out across the county or traipsing over the globe enlightens, educates, and opens us up to many more possibilities than we can imagine. I heard once that children from impoverished community live in a world that is only five miles in diameter. FIVE MILES. What if we could introduce them to new places and new people for just a weekend?

Last Fall, I took my volleyball players on a campus tour. They acted like I took them to another country. I was overjoyed just watching their faces. They keep asking me when we are going somewhere else so now I am thinking we need a ROAD TRIP across the country together this summer. We'll see.

Custer National Park in South Dakota

In the meantime, here are some of my favorite places to visit.

1. SOUTH DAKOTA: One of the most beautiful places on Earth. There is a spirituality about South Dakota that is nearly indescribable. It's traditional, historic, calm and peaceful. It might be a good place to go find yourself if you are feeling lost or to just re-energize if you are feeling drained.

New York City at night

peppers, pickles and bbq sauce

2. NEW YORK: I adore the city and the country-side in New York. The busy buzz of the city is exhilarating and the country-side is shockingly gorgeous. I had no idea how many wineries and hops farms there were throughout New York until my drive through from Buffalo to Cooperstown a couple of summers ago.


3. Memphis, TENNESSEE: When I was younger and more free, I visited Memphis a few times every year. Not only do I adore the barbecue but it is a town that feels like it could be home to me. The nightlife offers great variety and right in the heart of downtown, you can catch a baseball or a basketball game which is right up my alley.

strolling through Breckenridge

New Orleans

4. Breckenridge, COLORADO: I love snow. I don't like to drive in it but I enjoy a long walk through snow and it certainly won't keep me inside. Breckenridge is the perfect town, even if you don't ski. I love to stay in the heart of town where everything is accessible on foot. Fifty-four inches of snow in three days sounds as perfect to me as a night in an open air hot tub while the snow is falling.


5. Finally, New Orleans, LOUISIANA: Art, food, jazz, history... any combination serves as a dazzling experience that won't be soon forgotten.

Who is ready for a road trip!?

Finding Freedom, Day 17: You Can Do Anything You Want

If money and time were no object and you could do anything you wanted to do, what would you do on a regular basis?

This is an easy one! If money and time were no object, there are a lot of things I enjoy that I would do more often. Here are seven of them:

1. I would write ALL THE TIME. There are a multitude of books and scripts bottled up in me, waiting for publication.
2. I would travel. Road trips, a week on the beach, a few days in the mountains, time visiting old friends in Europe, adventure after adventure...
3. I would cook and bake and make sure that my Sunday dinner table was filled with friends every week. (I would probably take some cooking classes too.)
4. I would paint more. I miss the relaxation that comes with painting for fun.
5. I would redecorate. I have so much fun decorating houses even though I am not formally qualified in any way.
6. I would get my Cardinals season tickets back and probably buy season tickets for the Blues as well as an NBA team. I guess I should figure out which team that would be so I am ready when this finally happens.
7. I would get my nails done every week and my hair done every four.

Finding Freedom, Day 18: What Do You Want?

What do you want? That is a loaded question!

What I want depends on the day. In all truth, I try to focus on what I need more often than I want because my enjoyment of luxury and relative financial freedom was a casualty of my career change and substantial cut in pay. However, on any given day, there is still a list of wants in the back of my mind.

Today, I want to relax. I want my shoulders to return to their normal position, quite a few inches below my ears rather than smothering the sides of my head as tension pushes them higher and higher by the hour.

I want to be able to get a bowl of ice cream and eat it without having to make three bowls because I can't have anything without everyone else wanting it too.

I want the money to pay off my parents' debt so they don't have to worry about how they will pay for medication.

I want people to stop wearing socks with flip flops and sandals that are so short that the wearer's toes hang over the front end. (I have no idea why this crossed my mind in the dead of winter.)

I want to have the time to become a better teacher.

I want to have a social life again. I want to be taken out to a nice restaurant. I want doors held open for me. I want someone to walk with me while holding my hand. And I want to drink a really expensive bottle of Pinot Noir.

I want to travel more. I miss road trips and seeing new places every year.

I want to sing more.

I want to find a church where I can feel at home but not feel like there is something wrong with me. I want to hear a great word every week and maybe make some good friends but I don't want my whole life to be about that place.

I want to take a cooking class.

I want to find a summer job so I am not completely broke any more.

I want to make sure that everyone I love KNOWS that I love them.

I want to be able to eat cake and not gain weight. I want to have time to make that cake. I want to make cake for family and friends and coworkers and students.

I want to paint again but it is always the last thing on my list behind stuff like "clean the bathroom, make dinner for mom & dad, and walk the dog 27 times so she will stop barking in your face."

I want an assistant who will just grade papers for me all the time.

Finally, I want to find a way to make money making lists.

That is what I want. Today...

Finding Freedom, Day 19: What White is Not

I tend to be so quick to forgive and forget that I often fall "victim" to those who purposely take advantage of others. During a conversation with a friend this week, my heart broke a little bit following the suggestion that maybe some of my relationships are one-sided because I just let things go. Maybe I should be a little more suspicious of the motives of others. And even that, because I am "white," it is easier for people to take advantage of me. I guess there is this perception that white women are a little dumb which infuriates me.

I feel sorry for people who are suspicious of everyone. I refuse to live my life that way because I do not offer to others that with which I cannot part. I do not give what I don't have to donate. And I would even suggest in return that those who take advantage of people who they perceive as weak or a little dumb are a little pathetic.

This conversation has me questioning almost everything.

In recent years, I have become more keenly aware of the separations between the people in our country; separations that reach beyond the obvious race issues portrayed in the media. There are little secrets about various ethnic groups harbored by other various ethnic groups that are passed on from generation to generation that perpetuate the divide. They are little beliefs that blacks would never say in front of whites and that whites would never say in front of blacks that are not only not actually true but are intensely divisive even though they seem harmless or maybe funny. These beliefs slip out in conversations and in my classroom so I need to address a few. Obviously these are not all encompassing. Nor do they apply to everyone who is white. I am of a mixed ethnic background raised by a German family so I can't speak for everyone. But I can speak from my experiences and from my heart.

1. White women are not weak. The notion that blondes are dumb is a stereotype that absolutely does not extend to all women of the Caucasian persuasion. We are perceptive and intuitive and very clear in our thinking.

2. All white people aren't racist. That said, white people who use derogatory terms for other ethnic groups, who tell off-color jokes about other groups of people but don't have ONE friend of another ethnicity should probably get beside themselves and re-evaluate. And that goes for everyone else too. If all of your friends look like you, except for the few people you know who are cool "even though" they are from a different ethnic group, you need to diversify.

3. White people don't all have trust funds or inheritances. Some of us grow up poor.

4. White people don't all play golf or tennis.

5. I object to the idea that white people smell like wet dogs. Don't ask. Don't comment. I just want to put that out there.

6. It is not ok with me if you like me or think I am cool "EVEN THOUGH" I am white.

7. I don't really do anything because I am white. In fact, I don't IDENTIFY as white. Liken me to Rachel Dolezal if you want but I do what I do and live how I live and act how I act because God created me to be this person.

8. It is possible to have white skin and be cultured.

I realize this is controversial. I am not supposed to talk about it much less write it in a blog. But... I am going to keep talking about it and keep writing about it as long as it comes up. As a person who strives to understand the hearts of others, to get to know who they are inside and out, it is hurtful to me that others always see me as white first. And maybe last.

Finding Freedom, Day 20: You Said It!

What are some sayings that inspire you? Thanks to Pinterest, the inspiration is endless.

Finding Freedom, Day 21: Oh That's So Romantic

After I badgered her relentlessly, my dear friend offered a question/topic for my birthday blog. "What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?" she asked. My initial response was, "Nothing. Nothing at all."

But then I remembered a boy who adored me once and whom I adored. I think about him often and I wonder what might have happened if I hadn't been so afraid of him or of boys in general. I didn't know what to do with him. I met him through one of my close high school friends when I was 15. He was her younger brother and he was so cute.

As a tall girl, finding a boy who was taller than me was important. He could comfortably wrap his arm around my shoulder and he did, often. But what he did for me was, by far, the most romantic gesture made my any man in my life.

AJ bought me roses. He didn't buy them once. He bought them all the time. He regularly gave me roses-- mostly peach roses. They were my favorite. I always knew that different color roses held different meanings but I don't ever remember knowing what peach roses meant. Today, I looked it up.

Peach roses possess many connotations. They are demure and modest so they symbolize a certain purity. They represent genuine sincerity, gratefulness, thanks, and, most of all, innocence. The peach rose was the perfect gift from him to me.  And, oh so romantic.

AJ passed away in 2011. I had only run into him one time since high school but the moment I heard the news, I missed him and the first thing that came to mind were all of those roses.

Finding Freedom, Day 22: Ah Music

The task today is to "put my music on shuffle and post the first 20 songs." Music has fed my soul for as long as I can remember. I felt it in my bones, even when no music was playing. My taste in music is diverse, eclectic, inclusive. Every intense emotion comes hand in hand with a tune in my head, in my heart or on my tongue. This shuffle should be interesting!

The first twenty songs to pop up when I shuffled my music were:

1. Worth It by 5th Harmony
2. Beautiful World by Dierks Bentley with Patti Griffin
3. Dancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen
4. Some Nights by Fun
5. Little Red Corvette by Prince
6. Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin
7. In the Closet by Michael Jackson
8. No Such Thing by John Mayer
9. Something in the Way She Moves by James Taylor
10. Mirrors by Justin Timberlake
11. Strangers on a Train by David Nail
12. All I Want to Do by Sugarland
13. You Got The Right Stuff by NKOTB
14. I'm Every Woman by Whitney Houston
15. Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble
16. Conquerer by Jussie Smollett & Estelle
17. Rude Boy by Rihanna
18. Fly Me to the Moon by Frank Sinatra
19. Somebody by Natalie LaRose
20. Hallelujah by Luciano Pavarotti

Finding Freedom, Day 23: Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Today's questions came from a friend in Iowa. It is a series of questions. I thought I would tackle them all in one post! The questions are:
1. What is the Rock's phone number? 

2. Just how many caterers could we pull this wedding cake tasting scam on?

3. Why do the cubs suck?

4. What's your secret?

5. If you became president what would be your first political act and why?

What is the Rock's phone number?

Surprisingly, this is a question to which I have yet to get the answer. Everyone knows my love for The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) runs deep but I gave up my stalking ways years ago and, to date, nobody has been able to convince him to show up for one of my birthdays. I do have a number of students who say they are contacting him on all of his social media platforms hoping to get him to pay a visit to the high school by my birthday. But I have to be honest, friend... If I get The Rock's phone number, I am not sharing it with anyone!

Just how many caterers could we pull this wedding cake tasting scam on?

I saw something online a while back that sounded like a lot of fun. Grab a friend, pretend you are getting married, make appointments at a number of local bakeries and go out for cake. Anybody who knows me knows there are TWO ABSOLUTE TRUTHS about me: I love cake and I love a good practical joke. Now that I am writing about it, however, I am guessing the answer to the question might be: "not very many." 

Why do the Cubs suck?

Man, this is a loaded questions I have many theories about why the Cubs suck, most of which are catty, one-liners aimed at friends of mine who cheer for the baby bears But I am going to keep this simple. SOMEBODY HAS TO SUCK and it might as well be the Cubs.

What's your secret?

This is tough to answer since it is so vague. I do have a couple of secrets which are classified as secrets because NOBODY else knows them. That said, here are a few I am willing to give up to the general population:

My secret for living a relatively happy life is: wine.

My secret for younger looking skin: good genes, good friends, and wine

My secret ingredient in my 5-hour stew: wine

If you became president what would be your first political act and why?

I am inclined to take this one a little more seriously. I would never want to BE the President. I would want to be the president's top advisor. I would also like to be his or her speech writer but that would probably lead to the President's impeachment so it is probably not a good idea. That said, the top things on my list would probably be these (not in order of importance):

1. Education reform (including the reduction of required testing days and higher pay for educators)

2. Immigration reform ( I would absolutely not close the borders or send people "back where they came from.")

3. Restore the land rights of the native people, removing any possibility for future interference by the US government.

4. Apologize for the atrocities committed against people of color in our country and create a complex plan of restitution that included truly equal opportunities for education, entrepreneurship, home ownership and many other freedoms that many take for granted.

Way to end it with a DEEP question, Jake... geez. But seriously, THANK YOU for the questions. This was fun!

Finding Freedom, Day 24: It's Time for a List!

List-making should be a competition. I would SO win. Today's list? If you had magic powers, what would you use them to do every day?

If I had magic powers, I would use them like a remote control. HOW MUCH FUN WOULD LIFE BE? If I had magic powers I would:

1. Never take out the trash. It would remove itself from the house when it got full AND replace the bag in the trashcan.
2. Freeze late mergers on the highway until I passed
3. Stop people from talking who seemingly never shut up.
4. Rewind conversations to before they got awkward, embarrassing or caused a fight.
5. Do my hair and makeup every day.
6. Put my clothes away. I like folding and ironing and placing things on hangers. I just don't like putting them away.
7. Pick up dog poop.
8. Drop myself to MY ideal weight and then EVERY DAY, I would erase whatever weight I gained because I would eat WHATEVER I WANTED.
9. Unclog my arteries. :)
10. Make everyone's student loans disappear!

I think that's enough for now. I wouldn't want to abuse my powers.

Finding Freedom, Day 25: Why I Teach

Not a week passes during which someone will ask me if I would like to return to the advertising world. I am offered jobs frequently as well. When I look back at the life-changing opportunities I had as well as the incredibly gifted people I had the privilege to work alongside, I am not only grateful but also still in awe. How cool was my life? But two years after my early and unplanned departure from Osborn Barr, I can say with confidence that it was my last agency. Forever.

First, I am blessed to be a teacher. Eternally grateful for being given a chance to even try, I work every day to get better. The challenge never ends so the possibility of getting bored is non-existent. Everything I have done, whether it was career-oriented or related to my personal life, has ended in boredom. Teaching is not always thrilling or exciting but it is never boring.

Second, early on, I learned that creating solid relationships with students and building upon them throughout the year would be the foundation of my success. Fortunately, that was right up my alley too. Being surround by mentors who encouraged me to "be me" and just meet the students where they were was a God-send. So in many ways, it has been evident that God has his hands in this new adventure. I believe I am finally doing what I was created to do. There is not greater satisfaction than that and the reward is endless, even on the days that end with a headache or a heartache or the need for a bottle of wine.

Finally, being allowed to love others at a level I never quite imagined, on a daily basis, is overwhelming. It is a responsibility for which I feel inadequately prepared on many occasions. But to be empowered to affect the future directly through contact with the young people who I truly believe will run the world some day is a gift.

There is no more looking over my shoulder or wondering what all the closed-door meetings are about. There is no more stressing over being two hours behind on a project or two dollars over budget. There is no more waiting for an out-of-touch, uninformed, inept boss to ruin the day of my team by needling his or her way into a project when it is just too late for crap like that. There are no more texts from bosses at 6AM wondering where something is or catering to the ego of a self-important client.

There are stresses. They are different. I worry if my kids are safe on the weekends. Every time I hear that someone was shot or stabbed or run down by I car, my stomach sinks and I immediately pray that it was not one of MY kids. I stay up at night thinking about how we will get them through the next unit or through the week or how we will get them to college. I dream CONSTANTLY and wake up with seemingly impossible ideas and worry how I will make them happen. THE DIFFERENCE IS that my return on investment is LOVE AND MORE HUGS THAN I COULD EVER IMAGINE. In advertising, I never had a boss who appreciated me as much as the almost 200 teenage bosses I have now. And even on a day when a kid cusses my out, I know it is not me he is angry with, it is his mom who is not around, or in prison, or dead. And I can be ok with that.

While paying bills is impossible sometimes, I would not trade the money I made in advertising for the reward I receive daily as a teacher. The sweetest words I have ever heard? "I love you, Ms. Rausch."

Finding Freedom, Day 26: I struggle

Someone asked, "What is one thing you struggle with?" I wish there was just one.

I struggle to remember

the numbers I just read.

Some days I struggle

just getting out of bed.

Although I find it easy

to push away a few

Letting go of those I love

is something I can't do.

I struggle to create.

The brushes sat too long.

I struggle to forgive

every single wrong.

I struggle to recall

every reason why.

I struggle to accept

that some day we'll all die.

When times get hard,

I forget God's on my side.

And I struggle to be humble

and let go of my pride.

I struggle to say "sorry."

What words should I say?

There's a struggle every evening

and almost every day.

I've heard it's but for grace

that I survive. Thank you Lord.

Without struggles, I can't imagine life.

I'd rather have them

than be bored.

Finding Freedom, Day 27: What They Don't Tell You

They say you should follow your dreams.
They say you should face your fears.
They say you should never look back.
They say you should have no regrets.
They say you should never take the easy way out. That's like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
They say that when God closes a door, he opens a window. I always think, "I hope it's not too high up or too small. I hope I can fit through it. Wouldn't it just be easier if he'd open another door?"
They say you should never eat where you sleep or sleep where you work or sleep with people you work with... no matter how hot your boss is or how charming that guy in the mailroom might be. It just ends up awkward for all of us.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure but sometimes I think THEY were talking about exes and not necessarily stuff.
They say you shouldn't concern yourself with keeping up with the Joneses.
They say dead men don't tell tales.
They say dead guys don't wear plaid either. Although I am not sure what it has to do with anything.
They say even a broken clock is right twice a day.
They say that the only things guaranteed in life are death and taxes.
They say a penny saved is a penny earned.
They say if you have cold hands, you have a warm heart too. I have met a few people who prove the opposite is also true.

What they don't say is that some day, you will be required to care for the people who spent their lives caring for you. It's your responsibility. Even though you feel like saying no sometimes, you just can't. They don't tell you that it is possible to hit rock bottom more than once. They certainly don't give any clue about how many times your heart can be broken and put back together. I hope it's nothing like that darn broken clock. They don't tell you that a lot of times adulthood still feels like you are sixteen. They don't mention that relationships in kindergarten are a HUGE clue about relationships for the rest of your life as well as the people you will meet. They don't tell you that everybody doesn't love at the same level you do and that some people are so selfish you will want to slap them but you can't because... you don't have a violent bone in your body. They don't tell you that the people you think will be there for the rest of your life might leave and never look back and they definitely don't tell you that sometimes the loss you suffer will leave a gaping hole in your heart that you will just have to work around for... well... forever.

I think if THEY are going to continue to be the experts, they should give us all a heads up about the crappy stuff too.

Finding Freedom, Day 28: My Day

Someone asked if I could bullet point my day which is awesome because my people know how much I love to make lists. It's also great because although this question was not submitted, I am frequently asked how I have time to do everything I do. My week days are all pretty much the same, unless there is a basketball game at school so I did two lists. I did a week day and Saturday.

Week Day:

• 5:15 AM Wake up, shower, dress, get ready
• 6:30 AM Check everybody's pills to make sure they are ready for the day & set them on the table, Pack lunch, Pack bag for work, Let out the dog
• 6:45 AM Drive to work
• 7:15-7:20 Arrive at work and head to class room
• 7:30 AM-9:05 AM Teach freshman English (My first hour rocks almost every day.)
• 9:10 AM-10:45 AM Planning (lesson plans, paperwork, calls home, make copies, meet with my Instructional Coach... whatever needs doing. Sometimes I have time to pee.)
• 10:50 AM-11:20 AM Teach 30 minutes of AP English III (Juniors are my favorite.)
• 11:20 AM-11:50 AM Lunch with LaVon and Mr. Love. (Same three every A day. On "B" days the teachers' lounge is packed with people from every discipline which I love. I love it so much that now on Friday mornings, we are doing breakfast together before the kids get to school.)
• 11:50 AM-12:50 PM Finish up AP English III
• 12:55 PM-2:30 PM Teach English I (They are a rowdy bunch but super smart.)

If it is a day when there is a basketball game, I usually work in my classroom until 3:30 PM and then I head to the gym. And the rest of the day goes like this:

• 3:30 PM- 4:00 PM Set up the junior varsity scorebook for both teams and help get the score board ready.
• 5:15 PM- 5:30 PM Set up the varsity scorebook for both teams
• 5:30 PM Sing the National Anthem 
• 5:35 PM- 7:00 PM Work Varsity game
• 7:00 PM Drive home
• 7:30 PM Arrive home, eat dinner, make sure all pills were taken while I was away
• 7:45 PM Walk dog
• 8:15 PM Wind down
• 8:30 PM Grade papers, write blogs, social media postings, call my nephew, my sister, my friends, visit with my parents (If there is a basketball game the next day, I usually prep dinner for the crockpot so all I have to do is put it out on the counter and turn it on in the morning.)
• 10:30-11:30 PM Go to bed. (I usually fall asleep between 11:30 PM and 1AM. It takes a long time for my brain to turn off.)

Saturdays are crazy busy but that's ok.

• Let the dog out, shower and dress
• Make a big breakfast for mom and dad (Sometimes I eat with them too.)
• Plan meals for the following week.
• Grocery shopping
• Clean house 
• Dog gets a LONG walk on Saturdays and Sundays (usually a few miles... or two walks)
• Laundry... three or four loads
• Grade papers, research lesson ideas, write lesson plans

That's pretty much it, I think. I might go crazy if I wasn't busy BUT... five or six days on the beach might be nice once in a while.

Finding Freedom, Day 29: Wanting to Matter

On a daily basis, I make a conscious effort to be grateful. Some days are more difficult than others. Some days, in spite of the amazing experiences I have had and the relatively full life I have lead, I struggle to move beyond what I don't have or what I haven't experienced. And some days, I feel like I don't matter. On those days in particular, it is difficult to be grateful.

Yesterday I saw a quote that said, "Some people aren't looking for attention. Some are looking for reassurance that they matter and that someone will treat them as if they exist again." Reading it a time or two, I thought, yes. That is me. On the outside, because of many situations I am in, it may seem as if I thrive on the attention of others when in reality all I want is to matter to someone.

People might argue that I do matter. But to be loved by others and to feel like you matter are two completely different things.

Throughout my life, it has been my responsibility to care for those around me. In my first career, I had to get things done and keep everyone happy and productive in the process. As a teacher, the children come first whether I am creating a lesson or we have some sort of emergency drill. In my personal life, I have always been the doting partner, who worked to create an environment in which my man could be successful and happy. In my family, I am the planner, the doer, the caretaker. Among friends, I am the planner and the doer. If I am not planning and doing, my phone does not ring most of the time.

It sounds like WOE IS ME. But I am not feeling sorry for myself. I LOVE to be the planner and the doer and the caretaker who looks out for others and puts others first. It brings me great joy. But some days, I want to feel like I am the one who is important, who is the focus of attention, who is the ONE who matters to someone else.

Some days, I want to be the one called and not the one calling. I want to be the one cared for and not the one doing the caring. Some days, I want to be the one deciding and not the one who just goes along with what everyone else wants and I want everyone else to just not complain when I try to make a decision. Some days, I want to come first. I don't want to take a backseat to the dreams and goals, and quite frankly the needs of everyone else. I want to be the friend who matters to someone else. I want to be the girl who matters to the guy. I want to be the one whose opinion is important and whose advice is heeded and who is actually thanked sometimes.

The funny thing is... I started thinking about this the other day at work when one of my coworkers demonstrated that she heard me in a conversation weeks ago. She was working toward helping me get something that would really make me happy. She heard me and it mattered.

I drove home that day thinking, "that was really cool."

Finding Freedom, Day 30: Do Actions Speak Louder than Words?

The other day a male friend told me I should write a guide for men about HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH WOMEN. I am sure there are shelves and selves of books at the local library covering the topic but, naturally, I have a few thoughts on the subject.

Communication is communication no matter the gender of the two or more parties involved. People tend to over think the simplicity of conversation and I would like to propose that we all just start saying exactly what we mean and we be careful to mean 100% of what we say.

In the movie "When Harry Met Sally," Harry was fairly accurate when he told Sally that men and women can't just be friends. While not true for every situation, if a man and a women share an attraction to one another, whether it is physical, emotional or intellectual, the likelihood of them remaining in the friend zone is slim to none. If there is attraction on one side, especially if it is a physical attraction, it is difficult to overcome for the sake of being just friends with someone. In fact, I would say it is relatively painful for the party bearing the attraction. If there is no attraction other than that of a friend, then you are good to go and this is the situation in which Harry was completely wrong. We must keep in mind, however, that Harry said what he said because he was attracted to Sally and he wanted her to know that, under no circumstances, did he intend to just be friends with her. At minimum, there would be some hanky-panky.

Now... all of that said, here are some guidelines, I think both men and women might follow so as to avoid any confusion regarding the trajectory of your relationship.

1. If you are attracted to someone, be honest about it early on in your friendship. Allowing it to continue in the hopes that it will grow into a courtship or an intimate relationship could end up heartbreaking if the attraction is not reciprocated.

2. If you are not attracted to a new friend (or an old friend for that matter) but you enjoy that person's company and you interact often, consider the possibility of an attraction on his or her end. Then, in all things, think about your best friend who is the same gender as you and ask yourself this question: "Would I do this with or for my best friend?" If the answer is yes, then it is likely you are not leading the other person on in any way. You are just doing the same things you would do with your other friends. No more and no less. If the answer is no, then why are you doing it? He or she IS just your friend, right?

3. Make sure that your actions match your words. As a single person, you cannot spend an inordinate amount of time with another single person and then spring it on him or her later that you are not interested in any way. If you find yourself alone with someone regularly, you are clearly on a path that signifies a growing relationship. Unless you have outlined the rules in advance: I like hanging out with you, we have fun, I have no desire to grow this thing into an intimate or long-term relationship with you even though I would rather spend more time with you than anyone else in the whole world. Wait... WHAT? That does not add up.

4. Ask yourself what you want from this friendship. If it is a movie buddy, stick to movies. Make that your thing. If it is someone to go fishing with during trout season, make that your thing. Stick to whatever that thing is. If you are looking for a potential partner to court, date, and marry, make that decision quickly. Don't draw it out. It's safe to say that we all know early on if we are attracted to someone or not. So if you want to see where it is going to go, say that. I love being friends with you but I want to know more. I want to know if this could be something more and then if it can't, you have to walk away. I think that's the risk we don't want to take. We don't want to lose a good friend because we tried to make it more and it didn't work.

I hope that helps. It helped me just typing it.

Finding Freedom, Day 31: The Benefit of the Doubt

Every time I walk into a women's clothing store, the employees assume I am there to spend some money. Some days I wander in wearing old sweats with messy hair and no make up, looking as if I rolled out of bed moments before my shopping trip. But they greet me when I walk in, offer to help, and the moment I have a couple of items in my hand, they take them from me to get a fitting room started. They are confident that I have money to spend. They give me the benefit of the doubt.
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While walking my dog late last night, I ran across an older woman with two small critters of her own. Because my dog is fairly aggressive, I pulled her to the side and began to head to the street but the old woman yelled, "Oh your fine hun! We are headed in here." She pointed to her house. She did not move quickly away or cross the street or pretend like her house was not HER house. She felt confident that I would not put her in harm's way. She gave me the benefit of the doubt.
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In my early twenties, I got pulled over on the highway for driving almost 100 MPH. When the officer approached my vehicle, he did not scold me. He laughed. I gave him my ID and some line about being in a hurry to get somewhere. He rolled his eyes. When he returned from his vehicle after what seemed like an ETERNITY, he gave me a ticket and sent me on his way. He didn't follow me afterward. He never called me any names or accused me of wrongdoing other than speeding. He didn't ask me to step out of the car. He didn't reach into my car. He seemed confident that I was just a young girl, in a hurry, who broke the law for a moment. He gave me the benefit of the doubt.
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As a teenager, I traveled in a gang. By gang I mean, a pack of teenage girls. We were loud and obnoxious. Sometimes we dressed alike. We would roam my neighborhood, walking through the alleys, in the streets, across the park. We would sit in a parking lot near my house and smoke cigarettes. We would meet up with the boys we liked and hang out. We would go to 7-Eleven or some fast food restaurant or Vickers gas station to get sodas. We would walk past the Amoco where all the hot guys from the local high school worked. Nobody ever called the cops on us. And we were never stopped by the police for being suspicious or because they wondered what so many of us were doing walking in the street or down an alley. The world seemed to know that we were just average teenagers having fun and that we had no intention of causing trouble. It was as if the whole world gave us the benefit of the doubt.
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When we hear someone use the term "white privilege," we stop listening. It is phrase used to identify the inequality in the life experiences of brown-skinned people versus white-skinned people. For "white" people the term hurts our ears. It sounds offensive because it feels like an accusation. It feels like each individual person with a European ancestry CREATED the situations in which they are regularly given the benefit of the doubt.

Giving it the title "White Privilege," made the conversation divisive. It created an even greater gap between the members of the HUMAN RACE who just happen to be different shades of pink and peach, and brown and tan. People stop listening when we say "white privilege." That gap is growing because on all sides we are unable or unwilling to seek the understanding of what it is like to live in the skin of another man. NOT TO WALK IN HIS SHOES, but to LIVE IN HIS SKIN. What would the differences be in my life, in times of trouble and difficulty, if I was a little more brown than I am now? And on the flip side, how different would my life be, in times of trouble and difficulty, if my skin was a little lighter and had a little less pigment? What freedoms would I gain or lose? How would I experience little things differently every day?

I hate the term 'White Privilege" because while it is TRUE that living in white skin earns a person the benefit of the doubt more often than not, it has created a seemingly insurmountable gap. I hate the TRUTH in the phrase "white privilege." I hate that we equate it with meaning that we grew up rich or we grew up with great education or we grew up not having to work for everything we have because THAT IS NOT what "white privilege" is. I also hate that people hate me because I have white skin. I have often wished that my native blood pushed through a little bit more to the surface. I would much rather be OBVIOUSLY a red man than white on many days. I would much rather experience the oppression of my native heritage than be given the benefit of the doubt some days if only so others would not like me or tolerate me EVEN THOUGH I am white.

I want us to start calling it, quite simply, THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. I don't know if doing so will change minds or hearts or open up acceptance or conversation. I don't know if a bridge can be built by refocusing the conversation on when and if and why we receive the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. But I sure would like to give it a try. I would like to IN ALL THINGS remove reference to skin color from the terms we use when trying to decide how we move forward as a people and a community and a country. But I do NOT want us to forget that the tone of our skin,  of the skin of each and every person on the face of the earth, does MATTER. And so do their lives.

Finding Freedom, Day 32: Surprise? Or Nah?

Is there anything that doesn't surprise you?  *Laughing maniacally!* Are you kidding? Let me make you a list:

1. The insensitivity of others rarely surprises me. On a daily basis, I witness the fine line that separates selfishness and insensitivity.
2. Saturday Night Live no longer surprises me. It is awful. Almost. Always.
3. The center of a tootsie pop is not nearly as fun as it was when I was 5 years old. I don't care how many licks it takes. I am just going to make up a number and bite that sucker in half to get to the tootsie roll as soon as possible.
4. Not surprised when I come home and the wine is GONE. Completely gone. 
5. There are three people in my life who only call me when they need money. When their numbers pop up on my caller ID, I like to answer and say, "Hey! What's going on? Haven't heard from you in a while..." as if I don't know the answer. 
6. Every time a guy thinks I am interested in him because I am nice to him, I sigh. Are you hot? Yes. Are you funny? Absolutely. Are you gainfully employed? Indeed. Did I smile at you? Yep. Laugh at your jokes? Of course. You are funny after all. Am I impressed by your interesting career choice? Incredibly. Does all of this add up to me wanting you? No. Stop it. I might even compliment you on your obvious beauty. I am just a nice person. Get over yourself.
7. Sometimes when I am tired, I say aloud, "Man I am tired." If my dad is within earshot, he responds, "Go to bed!" EVERY. TIME.
8. I actually build in time for my students to do their homework IN CLASS the day that it is due because they don't do their homework. If I ever came to class and they all had their homework complete and ready to turn in, I would probably have a heart attack which would totally ruin the potential for a surprise.
9. I don't even cry any more when a 64-year-old man contacts me via an online dating site. 
10. I've been fired a few times. Once I brought boxes to work the morning that they let me go. When the less-than-adequate employee from human resources came to ask if I needed a box to pack up, I said, "No, I brought my own." I thought she was going to pass out.
11. I am never surprised when the guy who does my oil change tries to tell me I need another $1000 in repairs. I usually just give him the ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND look and he backs down.
12. Any time I get a compliment or a pat on the back for nearly anything, I fully expect someone to make some smartass comment or to pitch a fit because he or she never got any credit for a similar act of brilliance. Please feel free to completely destroy the moment.
13. Relationship failure. I know it's coming. I don't even try to prolong it any more. It's a shame I never became adept at marrying wealthy old men.
14. The guy who decides at the last minute to MERGE on the highway does not surprise me. I know it is not an accident sir. It is not an OOPS moment. You knew two miles ago that you were going to have to get in my lane but you pretended like you didn't all the way until your lane ran out and now you expect me to let you in. Well, I have a surprise for you: I'm not going to do it. Especially if you have a Jesus fish on the back of your car. (That is a conversation for later.)
15. I am not surprised when people tell me they are pregnant or engaged or getting divorced. For some reason I have always had a sense about things like that. 

Would I like to be surprised? I think I might. For many years, I said, "Please do not surprise me. It makes me uncomfortable." I wouldn't want to receive bad news as a surprise. For example, I would want anyone to break up with me on TV or tell me something potentially devastating in front of a large crowd. But I would LOVE it if Ellen would surprise me at work and give me $20,000 from Target or $50,000 from Shutterfly to help me pay my bills and buy fun stuff for my class, like field trips. I would also be okay with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson showing up on my birthday with a cake, ready to celebrate with me. 

How about you? Are you easily surprised? Or nah?