Finding Freedom, Day 27: What They Don't Tell You

They say you should follow your dreams.
They say you should face your fears.
They say you should never look back.
They say you should have no regrets.
They say you should never take the easy way out. That's like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
They say that when God closes a door, he opens a window. I always think, "I hope it's not too high up or too small. I hope I can fit through it. Wouldn't it just be easier if he'd open another door?"
They say you should never eat where you sleep or sleep where you work or sleep with people you work with... no matter how hot your boss is or how charming that guy in the mailroom might be. It just ends up awkward for all of us.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure but sometimes I think THEY were talking about exes and not necessarily stuff.
They say you shouldn't concern yourself with keeping up with the Joneses.
They say dead men don't tell tales.
They say dead guys don't wear plaid either. Although I am not sure what it has to do with anything.
They say even a broken clock is right twice a day.
They say that the only things guaranteed in life are death and taxes.
They say a penny saved is a penny earned.
They say if you have cold hands, you have a warm heart too. I have met a few people who prove the opposite is also true.

What they don't say is that some day, you will be required to care for the people who spent their lives caring for you. It's your responsibility. Even though you feel like saying no sometimes, you just can't. They don't tell you that it is possible to hit rock bottom more than once. They certainly don't give any clue about how many times your heart can be broken and put back together. I hope it's nothing like that darn broken clock. They don't tell you that a lot of times adulthood still feels like you are sixteen. They don't mention that relationships in kindergarten are a HUGE clue about relationships for the rest of your life as well as the people you will meet. They don't tell you that everybody doesn't love at the same level you do and that some people are so selfish you will want to slap them but you can't because... you don't have a violent bone in your body. They don't tell you that the people you think will be there for the rest of your life might leave and never look back and they definitely don't tell you that sometimes the loss you suffer will leave a gaping hole in your heart that you will just have to work around for... well... forever.

I think if THEY are going to continue to be the experts, they should give us all a heads up about the crappy stuff too.

Finding Freedom, Day 28: My Day

Someone asked if I could bullet point my day which is awesome because my people know how much I love to make lists. It's also great because although this question was not submitted, I am frequently asked how I have time to do everything I do. My week days are all pretty much the same, unless there is a basketball game at school so I did two lists. I did a week day and Saturday.

Week Day:

• 5:15 AM Wake up, shower, dress, get ready
• 6:30 AM Check everybody's pills to make sure they are ready for the day & set them on the table, Pack lunch, Pack bag for work, Let out the dog
• 6:45 AM Drive to work
• 7:15-7:20 Arrive at work and head to class room
• 7:30 AM-9:05 AM Teach freshman English (My first hour rocks almost every day.)
• 9:10 AM-10:45 AM Planning (lesson plans, paperwork, calls home, make copies, meet with my Instructional Coach... whatever needs doing. Sometimes I have time to pee.)
• 10:50 AM-11:20 AM Teach 30 minutes of AP English III (Juniors are my favorite.)
• 11:20 AM-11:50 AM Lunch with LaVon and Mr. Love. (Same three every A day. On "B" days the teachers' lounge is packed with people from every discipline which I love. I love it so much that now on Friday mornings, we are doing breakfast together before the kids get to school.)
• 11:50 AM-12:50 PM Finish up AP English III
• 12:55 PM-2:30 PM Teach English I (They are a rowdy bunch but super smart.)

If it is a day when there is a basketball game, I usually work in my classroom until 3:30 PM and then I head to the gym. And the rest of the day goes like this:

• 3:30 PM- 4:00 PM Set up the junior varsity scorebook for both teams and help get the score board ready.
• 5:15 PM- 5:30 PM Set up the varsity scorebook for both teams
• 5:30 PM Sing the National Anthem 
• 5:35 PM- 7:00 PM Work Varsity game
• 7:00 PM Drive home
• 7:30 PM Arrive home, eat dinner, make sure all pills were taken while I was away
• 7:45 PM Walk dog
• 8:15 PM Wind down
• 8:30 PM Grade papers, write blogs, social media postings, call my nephew, my sister, my friends, visit with my parents (If there is a basketball game the next day, I usually prep dinner for the crockpot so all I have to do is put it out on the counter and turn it on in the morning.)
• 10:30-11:30 PM Go to bed. (I usually fall asleep between 11:30 PM and 1AM. It takes a long time for my brain to turn off.)

Saturdays are crazy busy but that's ok.

• Let the dog out, shower and dress
• Make a big breakfast for mom and dad (Sometimes I eat with them too.)
• Plan meals for the following week.
• Grocery shopping
• Clean house 
• Dog gets a LONG walk on Saturdays and Sundays (usually a few miles... or two walks)
• Laundry... three or four loads
• Grade papers, research lesson ideas, write lesson plans

That's pretty much it, I think. I might go crazy if I wasn't busy BUT... five or six days on the beach might be nice once in a while.

Finding Freedom, Day 29: Wanting to Matter

On a daily basis, I make a conscious effort to be grateful. Some days are more difficult than others. Some days, in spite of the amazing experiences I have had and the relatively full life I have lead, I struggle to move beyond what I don't have or what I haven't experienced. And some days, I feel like I don't matter. On those days in particular, it is difficult to be grateful.

Yesterday I saw a quote that said, "Some people aren't looking for attention. Some are looking for reassurance that they matter and that someone will treat them as if they exist again." Reading it a time or two, I thought, yes. That is me. On the outside, because of many situations I am in, it may seem as if I thrive on the attention of others when in reality all I want is to matter to someone.

People might argue that I do matter. But to be loved by others and to feel like you matter are two completely different things.

Throughout my life, it has been my responsibility to care for those around me. In my first career, I had to get things done and keep everyone happy and productive in the process. As a teacher, the children come first whether I am creating a lesson or we have some sort of emergency drill. In my personal life, I have always been the doting partner, who worked to create an environment in which my man could be successful and happy. In my family, I am the planner, the doer, the caretaker. Among friends, I am the planner and the doer. If I am not planning and doing, my phone does not ring most of the time.

It sounds like WOE IS ME. But I am not feeling sorry for myself. I LOVE to be the planner and the doer and the caretaker who looks out for others and puts others first. It brings me great joy. But some days, I want to feel like I am the one who is important, who is the focus of attention, who is the ONE who matters to someone else.

Some days, I want to be the one called and not the one calling. I want to be the one cared for and not the one doing the caring. Some days, I want to be the one deciding and not the one who just goes along with what everyone else wants and I want everyone else to just not complain when I try to make a decision. Some days, I want to come first. I don't want to take a backseat to the dreams and goals, and quite frankly the needs of everyone else. I want to be the friend who matters to someone else. I want to be the girl who matters to the guy. I want to be the one whose opinion is important and whose advice is heeded and who is actually thanked sometimes.

The funny thing is... I started thinking about this the other day at work when one of my coworkers demonstrated that she heard me in a conversation weeks ago. She was working toward helping me get something that would really make me happy. She heard me and it mattered.

I drove home that day thinking, "that was really cool."

Finding Freedom, Day 30: Do Actions Speak Louder than Words?

The other day a male friend told me I should write a guide for men about HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH WOMEN. I am sure there are shelves and selves of books at the local library covering the topic but, naturally, I have a few thoughts on the subject.

Communication is communication no matter the gender of the two or more parties involved. People tend to over think the simplicity of conversation and I would like to propose that we all just start saying exactly what we mean and we be careful to mean 100% of what we say.

In the movie "When Harry Met Sally," Harry was fairly accurate when he told Sally that men and women can't just be friends. While not true for every situation, if a man and a women share an attraction to one another, whether it is physical, emotional or intellectual, the likelihood of them remaining in the friend zone is slim to none. If there is attraction on one side, especially if it is a physical attraction, it is difficult to overcome for the sake of being just friends with someone. In fact, I would say it is relatively painful for the party bearing the attraction. If there is no attraction other than that of a friend, then you are good to go and this is the situation in which Harry was completely wrong. We must keep in mind, however, that Harry said what he said because he was attracted to Sally and he wanted her to know that, under no circumstances, did he intend to just be friends with her. At minimum, there would be some hanky-panky.

Now... all of that said, here are some guidelines, I think both men and women might follow so as to avoid any confusion regarding the trajectory of your relationship.

1. If you are attracted to someone, be honest about it early on in your friendship. Allowing it to continue in the hopes that it will grow into a courtship or an intimate relationship could end up heartbreaking if the attraction is not reciprocated.

2. If you are not attracted to a new friend (or an old friend for that matter) but you enjoy that person's company and you interact often, consider the possibility of an attraction on his or her end. Then, in all things, think about your best friend who is the same gender as you and ask yourself this question: "Would I do this with or for my best friend?" If the answer is yes, then it is likely you are not leading the other person on in any way. You are just doing the same things you would do with your other friends. No more and no less. If the answer is no, then why are you doing it? He or she IS just your friend, right?

3. Make sure that your actions match your words. As a single person, you cannot spend an inordinate amount of time with another single person and then spring it on him or her later that you are not interested in any way. If you find yourself alone with someone regularly, you are clearly on a path that signifies a growing relationship. Unless you have outlined the rules in advance: I like hanging out with you, we have fun, I have no desire to grow this thing into an intimate or long-term relationship with you even though I would rather spend more time with you than anyone else in the whole world. Wait... WHAT? That does not add up.

4. Ask yourself what you want from this friendship. If it is a movie buddy, stick to movies. Make that your thing. If it is someone to go fishing with during trout season, make that your thing. Stick to whatever that thing is. If you are looking for a potential partner to court, date, and marry, make that decision quickly. Don't draw it out. It's safe to say that we all know early on if we are attracted to someone or not. So if you want to see where it is going to go, say that. I love being friends with you but I want to know more. I want to know if this could be something more and then if it can't, you have to walk away. I think that's the risk we don't want to take. We don't want to lose a good friend because we tried to make it more and it didn't work.

I hope that helps. It helped me just typing it.

Finding Freedom, Day 31: The Benefit of the Doubt

Every time I walk into a women's clothing store, the employees assume I am there to spend some money. Some days I wander in wearing old sweats with messy hair and no make up, looking as if I rolled out of bed moments before my shopping trip. But they greet me when I walk in, offer to help, and the moment I have a couple of items in my hand, they take them from me to get a fitting room started. They are confident that I have money to spend. They give me the benefit of the doubt.
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While walking my dog late last night, I ran across an older woman with two small critters of her own. Because my dog is fairly aggressive, I pulled her to the side and began to head to the street but the old woman yelled, "Oh your fine hun! We are headed in here." She pointed to her house. She did not move quickly away or cross the street or pretend like her house was not HER house. She felt confident that I would not put her in harm's way. She gave me the benefit of the doubt.
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In my early twenties, I got pulled over on the highway for driving almost 100 MPH. When the officer approached my vehicle, he did not scold me. He laughed. I gave him my ID and some line about being in a hurry to get somewhere. He rolled his eyes. When he returned from his vehicle after what seemed like an ETERNITY, he gave me a ticket and sent me on his way. He didn't follow me afterward. He never called me any names or accused me of wrongdoing other than speeding. He didn't ask me to step out of the car. He didn't reach into my car. He seemed confident that I was just a young girl, in a hurry, who broke the law for a moment. He gave me the benefit of the doubt.
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As a teenager, I traveled in a gang. By gang I mean, a pack of teenage girls. We were loud and obnoxious. Sometimes we dressed alike. We would roam my neighborhood, walking through the alleys, in the streets, across the park. We would sit in a parking lot near my house and smoke cigarettes. We would meet up with the boys we liked and hang out. We would go to 7-Eleven or some fast food restaurant or Vickers gas station to get sodas. We would walk past the Amoco where all the hot guys from the local high school worked. Nobody ever called the cops on us. And we were never stopped by the police for being suspicious or because they wondered what so many of us were doing walking in the street or down an alley. The world seemed to know that we were just average teenagers having fun and that we had no intention of causing trouble. It was as if the whole world gave us the benefit of the doubt.
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When we hear someone use the term "white privilege," we stop listening. It is phrase used to identify the inequality in the life experiences of brown-skinned people versus white-skinned people. For "white" people the term hurts our ears. It sounds offensive because it feels like an accusation. It feels like each individual person with a European ancestry CREATED the situations in which they are regularly given the benefit of the doubt.

Giving it the title "White Privilege," made the conversation divisive. It created an even greater gap between the members of the HUMAN RACE who just happen to be different shades of pink and peach, and brown and tan. People stop listening when we say "white privilege." That gap is growing because on all sides we are unable or unwilling to seek the understanding of what it is like to live in the skin of another man. NOT TO WALK IN HIS SHOES, but to LIVE IN HIS SKIN. What would the differences be in my life, in times of trouble and difficulty, if I was a little more brown than I am now? And on the flip side, how different would my life be, in times of trouble and difficulty, if my skin was a little lighter and had a little less pigment? What freedoms would I gain or lose? How would I experience little things differently every day?

I hate the term 'White Privilege" because while it is TRUE that living in white skin earns a person the benefit of the doubt more often than not, it has created a seemingly insurmountable gap. I hate the TRUTH in the phrase "white privilege." I hate that we equate it with meaning that we grew up rich or we grew up with great education or we grew up not having to work for everything we have because THAT IS NOT what "white privilege" is. I also hate that people hate me because I have white skin. I have often wished that my native blood pushed through a little bit more to the surface. I would much rather be OBVIOUSLY a red man than white on many days. I would much rather experience the oppression of my native heritage than be given the benefit of the doubt some days if only so others would not like me or tolerate me EVEN THOUGH I am white.

I want us to start calling it, quite simply, THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. I don't know if doing so will change minds or hearts or open up acceptance or conversation. I don't know if a bridge can be built by refocusing the conversation on when and if and why we receive the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. But I sure would like to give it a try. I would like to IN ALL THINGS remove reference to skin color from the terms we use when trying to decide how we move forward as a people and a community and a country. But I do NOT want us to forget that the tone of our skin,  of the skin of each and every person on the face of the earth, does MATTER. And so do their lives.

Finding Freedom, Day 32: Surprise? Or Nah?

Is there anything that doesn't surprise you?  *Laughing maniacally!* Are you kidding? Let me make you a list:

1. The insensitivity of others rarely surprises me. On a daily basis, I witness the fine line that separates selfishness and insensitivity.
2. Saturday Night Live no longer surprises me. It is awful. Almost. Always.
3. The center of a tootsie pop is not nearly as fun as it was when I was 5 years old. I don't care how many licks it takes. I am just going to make up a number and bite that sucker in half to get to the tootsie roll as soon as possible.
4. Not surprised when I come home and the wine is GONE. Completely gone. 
5. There are three people in my life who only call me when they need money. When their numbers pop up on my caller ID, I like to answer and say, "Hey! What's going on? Haven't heard from you in a while..." as if I don't know the answer. 
6. Every time a guy thinks I am interested in him because I am nice to him, I sigh. Are you hot? Yes. Are you funny? Absolutely. Are you gainfully employed? Indeed. Did I smile at you? Yep. Laugh at your jokes? Of course. You are funny after all. Am I impressed by your interesting career choice? Incredibly. Does all of this add up to me wanting you? No. Stop it. I might even compliment you on your obvious beauty. I am just a nice person. Get over yourself.
7. Sometimes when I am tired, I say aloud, "Man I am tired." If my dad is within earshot, he responds, "Go to bed!" EVERY. TIME.
8. I actually build in time for my students to do their homework IN CLASS the day that it is due because they don't do their homework. If I ever came to class and they all had their homework complete and ready to turn in, I would probably have a heart attack which would totally ruin the potential for a surprise.
9. I don't even cry any more when a 64-year-old man contacts me via an online dating site. 
10. I've been fired a few times. Once I brought boxes to work the morning that they let me go. When the less-than-adequate employee from human resources came to ask if I needed a box to pack up, I said, "No, I brought my own." I thought she was going to pass out.
11. I am never surprised when the guy who does my oil change tries to tell me I need another $1000 in repairs. I usually just give him the ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND look and he backs down.
12. Any time I get a compliment or a pat on the back for nearly anything, I fully expect someone to make some smartass comment or to pitch a fit because he or she never got any credit for a similar act of brilliance. Please feel free to completely destroy the moment.
13. Relationship failure. I know it's coming. I don't even try to prolong it any more. It's a shame I never became adept at marrying wealthy old men.
14. The guy who decides at the last minute to MERGE on the highway does not surprise me. I know it is not an accident sir. It is not an OOPS moment. You knew two miles ago that you were going to have to get in my lane but you pretended like you didn't all the way until your lane ran out and now you expect me to let you in. Well, I have a surprise for you: I'm not going to do it. Especially if you have a Jesus fish on the back of your car. (That is a conversation for later.)
15. I am not surprised when people tell me they are pregnant or engaged or getting divorced. For some reason I have always had a sense about things like that. 

Would I like to be surprised? I think I might. For many years, I said, "Please do not surprise me. It makes me uncomfortable." I wouldn't want to receive bad news as a surprise. For example, I would want anyone to break up with me on TV or tell me something potentially devastating in front of a large crowd. But I would LOVE it if Ellen would surprise me at work and give me $20,000 from Target or $50,000 from Shutterfly to help me pay my bills and buy fun stuff for my class, like field trips. I would also be okay with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson showing up on my birthday with a cake, ready to celebrate with me. 

How about you? Are you easily surprised? Or nah?

Finding Freedom, Day 33: You are Fat

The first time someone told me they thought I was fat, I was seven years old. A year later, I was on my first diet: Weight Watcher's. The older I get the more appalled I am by the audacity of those who deem it acceptable to tell anyone else that their weight is offensive.

You don't have to stuff it into last year's winter clothes. You don't have to lug it up the hill to the mailbox or from the parking lot to work. You don't have to touch it. You really don't even have to look at it so I am not sure why it is your business.

I stepped out of the womb on the chunky side. At over eight pounds and almost 22 inches long, I was a beast of a child for a woman who stood only five feet and two inches tall. According to my birth records, she only weighed 115 when she got pregnant with me so she was petite. I don't know how much weight she gained but I do know that for typically smaller people, even a few pounds makes a difference in how they feel and the clothes they can wear.

When you are larger, however, you can lose two, three, four, five pounds in a day. It would take some people a week to lose that weight. Not me. 14 years ago, I went on a drastic diet. Consuming only 1200 calories a day, cutting out all caffeine and alcohol and taking two pills a day to speed up my metabolism and make me forget that I was hungry. I lost 18 pounds in the first 10 days. But when you weigh 250 pounds, 18 is just a drop in the bucket. It is not life changing. What was almost life-changing was the 70 pounds I lost in just 16 weeks. Still 33 pounds away from my goal weight, I started to get sick and had to stop the diet. It only took a couple of years to begin gaining the weight back. And the diet cycle continued.

"You have to make a lifestyle change!" they say. Did you hear me when I told you that I was born big? With the shoulders of a linebacker, standing 5'10" and wearing a size ten shoe by the time I was 14, I was never a small girl. But even as a teenager, what made me feel bad about my size was the comments of others. I remember being taunted as a teenager and being called fat. I remember my grandma who was under five feet tall and 90 pounds telling me I was fat. I was 5'10" and weighed 154. I was perfect. PERFECT. Even by the standards set by God knows who that tell us how much we should weigh for our height and bone structure. I was PERFECT and they told me I was not. And I believed them.

I struggle today. Some of my volleyball players tell me that I'm "thick," I am not fat. I appreciate a community of people who can appreciate the parts of me that others label imperfect. But I wonder now if it is the sight of myself I cannot stand or if it is the way others look at me because they can't stand fat people that causes me to think of myself as less than.

Finding Freedom, Day 34: Crushing

Who are your top three celebrity crushes?

We all know who my number one is... but who are the other two? For all of you inquiring minds out there, here you go!

Choosing just three is not easy for me. I appreciate a fine man. I admire a successful man. I support the efforts of a lot of hard-working men. Truthfully, I just love men. It makes me a little sad to leave guys like Michael B. Jordan, James McAvoy, and Brad Pitt off the list but my hand has been forced.



3. Idris Elba

Bring on the first black James Bond. BRING. IT. ON. Is there a man who looks better in a suit? I don't think so. Smart, sophisticate, and so sexy. This man could read cereal boxes all day and I would be enamored. Although, I like to imagine that we would have more interesting conversations to occupy our time.











2. Channing Tatum

I don't care what people say. There is a sexiness about this man and that look. You know that look. It's the ONE look he gives in every single movie that practically makes you squirm out of your chair. I cannot tell a lie, I would see a THIRD Magic Mike movie just for this man. But there would have to be more stripping and less scenes thrown in just to support a terrible plot. Just dance, Channing Tatum, and I will be a happy girl.

And #1... is, of course, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

My infatuation with Dwayne has not reached an alarming level quite yet. I have not driven past his house or tracked down his phone number. I do have my students trying to get him to ST. Louis for my birthday but I don't think there is anything unusual about that. Clearly, Dwayne and I would be great together. He just doesn't know that yet. Practically perfect in every way, Dwayne Johnson is smart, talented, and incredibly hot.

Finding Freedom, Day 35: Dear 16-year-old Me

The question for today came from a dear friend and former coworker: Knowing what you know of life now, what would you tell your 16-year-old self? Here is a letter to my 16-year-old self:

Dear Michele,

The limits of your imagination prevent you from remotely comprehending what lies ahead for you. In fact parts of your life are so big, they would blow your mind. But without giving away too much, I want to try to prepare you for your journey.

First of all, keep all of your journals. Make sure you pack away all of the stories you have been writing with Diane. You might be afraid of your words or of others reading your words because then they will know how you really feel but you are going to find your voice in your 30s and you won't be embarrassed any more.

Second, believe it or not, there will come a time when you will no longer be afraid to talk to people you don't know. Not only will you be able to order your own pizza but in 20 years, you will sing in front of 60,000 people. Stop freaking out. You'll be fine.

Speaking of singing, don't quit choir. Sister Bea is going to hunt you down in every nook and cranny of that school. She might even show up at your house. It's not worth trying to escape. KEEP SINGING.

Third, you are about to jump from group of friends to group of friends and that's ok as long as you stay friends with each of the previous groups. Your job in life will be to connect people, to build bridges where bridges have been burned and to lead others down a path of understanding. Stop messing things up.

Fourth, please for the love of all things holy, LET A BOY KISS YOU. Your fear of the opposite sex is not only ridiculous but it will last until you are in your 20s if you don't just get that kiss out of the way. (But don't get carried away... save that for your wild and crazy 30s.)

Fifth, all of your concerns about life and relationships and your weight and your toes are valid. Feelings cannot be called wrong. But I want you to know that right now, you are as close to perfect as you will ever be. If you can't love who you are right now, at least appreciate it. Know that one day you will wish you had those legs, you will long for your innocence and you will get a lot of compliments on your smile.

Finally, a wise woman once told me that "everything is preparation for something." Just remember that the next time Mr. Wells yells at you or you get into an argument with a classmate or you get grounded from your car. It's all true.

I love you more than you can possibly believe in this moment. I really do.

44-year-old Michele

Finding Freedom, Day 36: Circle of Friends

Today's blog is inspired by an exercise my English class has been doing...

My mom always said, "You are who your friends are." Although I struggled to understand what she meant as a child and even as a teenager, with age came wisdom. For about twenty years, my busy and adventurous life led to large groups of friends and regular events and parties. In recent years, my circle of friends has gotten smaller and smaller which means fewer social events but it also means less drama and less headache.

I am finally in a place where I know what my circle of friends should look like and should feel like. While I am not afraid to push someone out or to remove myself from a situation that does not suit my circle, the questions I ask myself and the way I look at relationships is rapidly changing even now.

Ten Things I Know For Sure About Friends

1. Friends should not make you feel bad about yourself or your decisions. While they are not required to agree with you, they should be able to separate you from your choices and they should be supportive of you. For example, I might not want my friend to move across the country to another state, but I know it is what is best for her and I want nothing more than to see her successful and happy.
2. Friends should not like you "even though..." They should not like you even though you are a Cubs fan and they should not like you even though you are a different ethnicity. If you have a friend who makes you feel like you are cool even though you are black or even though you are white, they are not your friend.
3. Expectations for friends should be based on what individuals have to offer and not just on what we need personally.
4. Friends should help you move. They should carry boxes or help you pack. They should bring by some beer or sandwiches. Or they should bring people with them who can do those things.
5. You should never have to wonder if your friend is going to be true to his or her word. Friends should be dependable.
6. Selfishness cannot enter the friendship equation at any time. Your needs can never be greater than those of your friends and your friend should not put his or her needs above yours all the time. Friendship is a two way street that is much more enjoyable to pass over when the two parties put each other first.
7. Speaking of putting each other first... If you are the doer, the planner, the payer, the giver, the mover, the shaker and your friend is the benefactor, you don't have a friendship. Friends to not take advantage of one another.
8. Some friendships with last a lifetime. And some are just for a season. If you are really lucky, you will reunite with some of those seasonal friends and make them lifelong friends.
9. You don't have to talk to each other EVERY day in order to be friends. Some of the best friends you will ever have are the ones you see every two or three months.
10. You have to BE a good friend to HAVE a good friend. However, sometimes we spend inordinate time and effort on a person who is just not capable of returning the love. When that happens, instead of pushing the issue, just move on. Don't let a friendship rescue mission distract you from the real people around you who love you.

Finding Freedom Day 37: Words of Wisdom

I am a quote hunter. No matter the situation, the feeling, the problem, I like to look for words of wisdom from others to inspire me. Today's question was, "What are some words of wisdom from others that you look to for inspiration?" Well, there are a lot but... here is a short list. I hope you are inspired too.

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 

"If you fade into silent collusion and you don't stand up, and you don't speak up, you have missed the mark as a human being." - Dr. Joanna Adams

"Creativity is intelligence having fun." - Albert Einstein 

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." - John Barrymore

"Be with someone who can take care of you. Not someone who can provide materially... but someone who can take care of your soul." -unknown

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou 

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Ghandi

"Always leave people better than you found them. Hug the hurt. Kiss the broken. Befriend the lost. Love the lonely."  - unknown

"Be open to learning new lessons even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday." - Ellen Degeneres

"Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life, because you become what you believe." - Oprah Winfrey

Finding Freedom Day 38: What If

Wondering what may have been if only I had made a different decision doesn't happen often. I work hard to live without regret and to reconcile my decisions quickly so I am not left wondering. Yet there is one big "what if" that not only lingers in my life but is also held close to my heart.

The summer of 1999 lead me on the roller coaster ride of my life including the most devastating experience I have ever had. I was dating a professional baseball player when I found out I was pregnant. At 28 years old and unmarried with no children, the idea of having a baby thrilled me. It didn't have the same immediate effect on my parents but I was determined to turn a tough situation into something beautiful before it was all said and done.

The baby's Dominican father became detached early on, making it clear that I was flying solo for the long haul. I didn't care. I remember having a conversation with the baby once, telling him not to worry. "Go ahead and grow," I said. "We will figure this out together."

Unfortunately, nearly half way through my pregnancy, the baby's heart stopped beating. While I don't want to go into the details of the days that followed or the emotions felt or the physical torture of such an experience, I do want to acknowledge that when his heart stopped, my heart broke.

Next month, we would have celebrated his 16th birthday. Not a day goes by that I do not think what if he was here. What if he had survived? What if I was a single mom to a teenager? What if he was smart and beautiful and talented? What if he was popular? What if he wasn't? What if? What if? What if?

I count myself fortunate to be surrounded by teenagers every day. It helps temper the "what ifs" a little. I get a daily glimpse of what he might have been like. I look at the beautiful, intelligent, funny boys I teach every day and I hope he might have been like some of them.

And I have so many students without moms. I cherish the moments when one comes by for a hug because he is missing his mom. It's like a conspiracy between the moms and my boy to make sure we are all getting what we need that day.

I do wish I didn't have to wonder. But I am so incredibly grateful for the time I had. But what if I had another chance?

Finding Freedom, Day 39: How Vulnerable Are You?

My friends at Merriam-Webster say that to be vulnerable is to be open to attack, harm, or damage. Yet we often speak of vulnerability as if it is an asset to a successful relationship. To be vulnerable to your partner is to trust completely, to open yourself up, to expose yourself without reservation to another person. 

How vulnerable am I?

In everyday situations and with regard to life experience, I am open to the possibilities without concern that the result might be attack, harm, or damage. I am open to learning and growing and willing to take risks. However, when it comes to relationships, I am quite the opposite. 

I often wish that I had been the girl who married her high school sweetheart or who went away to college and met the man of her dreams. I wish my life had taken a more traditional path and that I had been the kind of girl whose life unfolded like a John Hughes film. I dream about what it might have been like to have a fairy tale ending to my love story. 

But I was not that girl. I was the girl who tried to be vulnerable but who had really bad timing and wasn't the best at judging character. The risks I took were more like desperate moves in the hopes of just being loved a little. And the result was massive failure. 

That's not to say I haven't had some good experiences because I have.  But my willingness to open myself up to anyone or anything knowing the possibility is that I will get hurt has dwindled dramatically with age. I kind of need to know what is going to happen first... I look before I leap. Sometimes probably for a little too long... But, it is what it is. Right?

Finding Freedom Day 40: Questions No One Ever Asks

Because I LOVE lists, I was thrilled to have "100 Questions No One Ever Asks" submitted by a friend of mine. I picked 45, in honor of my upcoming birthday. 

1. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Absolutely.
2. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? I sleep all tucked in like a burrito.
3. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Yes. In high school, my friends Julie and Tim and I swiped a HUGE sign. Go big or go home.
4. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Yes. By the time I think to use them, they are expired. 
5. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? I need more time to consider this. Clearly I am not running... or climbing anything... unless there is an inordinate burst of adrenaline pushing my big tail out of the way. Are my chances of survival greater with the bees? I'd like to phone a friend.
6. Do you always smile for pictures? Yes.
7. What is your biggest pet peeve? Selfishness... don't get me started.
8. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? My iPhone actually does that for me.
9. Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes. I have also peed on the side of the highway but that's a conversation for later.
10. What about pooped in the woods? No. I don't camp either so the likelihood of this ever happening is like... none.
11. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? All the time.
12. What is your Song of the week? Bieber... I have been stung by the Bieber bug... I CANNOT STOP listening to him. I am ashamed and excited all at once. LOVE YOURSELF by the Biebs is my song of the week.
13. 19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? So many guys look great in Pink. I think it is flattering for all skin tones too. WEAR PINK. And not just in October.
14. Do you still watch cartoons? No. 
15. Whats your least favorite movie? At this moment, it is The Hateful Eight. Quentin Tarantino is so gross.
16. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?  In my bra, with my phone and my tiny airplane bottles of liquor.
17. What do you drink with dinner? Water or wine. Unless Jesus is there and then water and wine are pretty much the same thing.
18. What is your favorite food? Fries. A GIANT pile of fried potatoes is the way to my heart, even if it is also the way to a heart attack.
19. What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Hope Floats and The Bodyguard
20. Last person you kissed/kissed you? This might be a violation of privacy for the other party BUT people kiss me all the time on the cheek. :)
21. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? um... no. I was too busy playing sports.
22. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?  LOL... If I had the body, I would have absolutely stripped for cash at amateur night at least once. Sorry I can't lie!
23. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? December. I write to one of my former students all the time.
24. Can you change the oil on a car? No. But apparently I have sisters who can. I did NOT get that gene.
25. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Twice. One in Webster Groves for going 13 MPH over the limit and once on the highway for driving like... 100 through St. James, MO.
26. Ever ran out of gas? No, but I have come close MANY times.
27. What is your usual bedtime? Midnight
28. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? My favorite was a giant box that looked like dice. So clever.
29. How many languages can you speak? I speak 3: English, sarcasm and I am fluent in cursing a blue streak. I also know when I am being spoken badly of in Spanish...
30. Which are better Lego's or Lincoln logs? Lego's! (According to my nephew...)
31. Are you stubborn? Not at all. (*rolls eyes*) I am when it comes to certain things. I like to get my way and I tend to... make that happen.
32. Are you afraid of heights? Not typically. 
33. Do you sing in the car? I always sing, what’s your question?
34. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No! I was in my first musical when I was 9 and my last in my 20s. I would do it again now if I have the time and the right situation presented itself.
35. Is Christmas stressful? Yes, but not because of the gift buying or giving or the food prep. :)
36. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. I lived with a ghost, fondly called Roger, in my apartment on Pernod.
37. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes. ALL THE TIME.
38. First concert? Survivor at Six Flags
39. Nike or Adidas? Nike.
40. Ever take dance lessons? Yes. I took ballet and tap. 
41. Can you curl your tongue? Yes.
42. Are you patient? I wasn't Then I prayed for patience. (*rolls eyes again) I have since learned to be patient and to NEVER pray for patience again. 
43. What's your favorite color? Red or black
44. Do you want kids? Absolutely. I feel like my time might be running out but I would like to adopt someday soon if I can't have kids.
45. Do you want to get married? Yes, I would love to get married and stay married. How much fun would that be? 

This was a lot of fun! Feel free to respond to any of the questions  or give your two cents in the comments!

Finding Freedom Day 41: Remember Me

Today's question came from a former coworker. Because it is the day we celebrate the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I thought this question was appropriate. If tomorrow was to be your last day on earth, what would you want to be remembered for? What advice would you leave behind?

There really isn't much to say that hasn't already been said. Is there? And, in truth, advice is just an opinion until someone takes it. But, in my lifetime, I hope to be an example of these things:

1. Be happy for each other.
2. Be selfless at least once a day. It will be good for everyone.
3. A wise man once told me you should never loan what you don't have to donate. This has been life saving advice. So, never loan anything you need back.
4. Do whatever it takes to help others be successful.
5. Don't put your dreams on hold. Chase them vigorously, without ceasing until they are fulfilled.
6. Let other people love you.
7. Don't withhold your love from others, even if it ends up hurting you.
8. Remember that even small decisions impact the world around you.
9. Be adventurous. Step out of your box just a little bit every once in a while.
10. Make an effort to get to know people who are vastly different from you. Fill your circle with them.
11. Don't apologize unless you mean it.
12. In fact, don't say anything unless you mean it.
13. Forgive.
14. Stop waiting for apologies you will never get.
15. Move on. Move up. And then turn around and pull someone else up with you.
16. Get a dog. But only if you will love that creature like a member of your family.
17. Travel. See things you never dreamed of and commit them to memory, not just to your camera card.
18. Bathe in cultural experiences. Read a book by a Latino author, eat Vietnamese food, attend a Pow Wow, watch a Iranian film. Do this and more. Then repeat until different is normal.
19. Rather than judging others, just admit you don't understand.
20. Hug it out. You can never have enough hugs and neither can they. Hug family and friends and coworkers and strangers. No words necessary.

I am sure as time passes the list will grow and evolve. But if I can be an example of any of these things to those around me I will have done my job.

Finding Freedom Day 42: Love Yourself

Since I just wrote about the five ways to win my heart, I thought I would keep the love mojo going for day 42. The question posed was, "If you could say one thing to all of your exes, what would it be?" This inquiry made me laugh a little. I cried a little too.

I've been around a while but I had to think about what constitutes an ex. Does someone you dated six or eight times over the course of a few months count as an ex? Or is an ex someone with whom you shared a great deal of time? What are the requirements to qualify as someone's ex?

For me, an ex is someone with whom I was intimate emotionally, physically, or mentally. An ex is someone who got a glimpse of my soul in one way or another.

When I think about each of those people and what I would like to say to them, I kind of return to the same thing over and over. I don't hate any of them even though we may have parted in a less than friendly manner. I don't want any of them back even though nearly every one of them was incredibly hot. (It's true.) I would like to say I wish them all well but... I kind of just want to stay out of it.

Never in my life did I think I would ever love a song by Justin Bieber much less leave my dirty work to him but I do and I am. To all my exes, I would say, "Maybe you should go and love yourself." It's the one thing I know for sure they were all really good at doing.

Finding Freedom Day 43: What are Five Ways to Win Your Heart?

Winning my heart is simpler than it might seem. I love love. And while I have not been as good at letting others love me as I have at loving them, it just took me a little longer than most to be open to more than just the idea.

That said, if I had to pick just five ways to win my heart, they would be...

1. Let me know you are thinking of me.

Honestly, constant communication makes me crazy. I don't need or expect anyone to check in with me but it would be nice if I knew you were thinking of me once in a while. A text revealing that even though you just came off the golf course with your boys, I crossed your mind or that you've been thinking of me while you are at work is cute. I really like that kind of thing. It is not contrived. It is not manipulated. Just out of the blue, you tell me that you think of me when I am not around.

2. Let me know that you hear me.

I am not the only woman in the world who appreciates a man who remembers the little things that come up in conversation. Women are a lot easier to figure out when a man just listens. In between the lines live the juicy details, the clues to understanding her and probably one of the keys to her heart.

3. Love other people.

Watching you love others, care for others, and do your part to make the world a better place will cause my heart to dance. I won't be able to stop thinking about you. It's true. On the flip side, selfishness is the quickest route out of my life. I can't do the selfishness thing...

4. Make time for me.

People always say that a man who is interested in you will make time for you. Well, duh. However, just like I am not the kind of person who has to be in constant communication with someone, I also don't need to be with someone every hour of the day or every day of the week. I love it when a guy has his own interests, great friends with whom he loves to spend time and a life he enjoys. But... I need a little time now and then. Make time for me.

5. Just show up.

Women frequently and unrealistically expect men to be mind readers. While I know that it is crazy to think that the man who wins my heart will just "know" when I need him to be there, I kind of just need a man who will show up. Show up at my house with a bottle of wine after a really crappy day. Show up at the gym and cheer for my volleyball players as vigorously as I do. Show up at the birthday party that I really don't want to go to without you. Show up when you are tired. Show up when I'm crabby. Just show up. You don't have to say a word. Just be there.

Putting this out there scares me to death. But I am grateful for the person who asked. Now you know... Let the heart winning begin!

Finding Freedom Day 44: Being Tall

It's day 44! Time to go to my mail for a question from a friend. The question submitted was as follows:

What's it like being tall? Pros/Cons- like, I try on pants and they are usually a smidge too long. Do regular pants fit you? What is the "average" girl supposed to look like? How do pants people determine this? And, on the other hand, for me "Petite" are often too short... Is that the case for you, too? Are "Tall" too long? Just curious...

The love and adoration I have for the people in my life is due in great part to their humor and their cleverness so I was grateful for being asked what it is like being tall. To be fair, I am only tall in some circles. For example, in the WNBA I would be super short.

That said, I have always felt tall. By the time I was 12 years old, I was 5'8" and when I graduated from 8th grade, I stood taller than most of the boys in my class at 5'10". While I was nearly perfect in my stature (by my standards today), I was made fun of a lot and called fat pretty frequently. Along with my height, I was blessed with the shoulders of a linebacker. Being big and broad are not goals in any teenager girl's life. I was a little girl in a grown woman's body. So being tall as a kid sucked most of the time.

The pros and cons of navigating adulthood as a tall woman are very different than they were prior to elementary school graduation. The good definitely outweighs the bad but neither list is something I ponder for too long very often. I enjoy my height. It is who I am and I only begrudge it when I am surround my short men. (No offense to short guys... It's my own insecurity.)

The only other con is the assumption that because I am so "big," I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone else, and I have a thick skin to protect from insulting insensitivities. The truth is I still feel like that little girls trapped inside sometimes. I need hugs and reassurance just like everyone else. And once in a while, I like being the one taken care of instead of the one doing the caring.

As for pants, those made for "talls" are almost always too long, "petite" is something I have never experienced in my life and "average" is something I strive never to be.

Keep the questions coming! Love you all!

Michele

Finding Freedom Day 45: If I Could Turn Back Time

Sonnet 29, Shakespeare

"When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state, 

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself, and curse my fate, 

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope, 

Featur'd like him, like him with friends possess'd,

Desiring this man's art and that man's scope, 

With what I most enjoy contented least; 

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state, 

Like to the lark at break of day arising 

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;

For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings."

This week, in an English class I was teaching, my students read Shakespeare's Sonnet 29 and rewrote it in their own words. Sonnet 29 is essentially about a guy whose displeasure with the outcome of his life, his fame, his fortune, his social status is outweighed by one true love.

"Haply I think on thee and then my state, like to the lark at break of day arising... For thy sweet loved remember'd such wealth brings." In the depths of my despair, I remember one moment, one person, on experience in my life that makes the trials and tribulations bearable. Not worth it, but bearable.

I understand the man who cries to heaven feeling as if his pleas fall on the deaf ears of God. There have been many moments in my life when I have wept, asking why I had to endure what I did or when I have questioned my blessing's delay. But as time passed, I learned that sometimes deep in the crevices of my pain lived opportunity and lessons which grew into gifts and rewards.

What would I change if I could change anything knowing what I know now? Nothing.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Tragedy and pain were stepping stones that led me to today.

Finding Freedom: Let's get started!

For the next 45 days, I will be blogging in preparation for my 45th birthday. I have asked friends and colleagues to submit questions for me to answer so I will cover a variety of topics. There is still time to ask your question or suggest your topic though! Just comment below or send me a message.

In 2011, I ventured out on the same mission: to capture the last days before I turned the big 4-0. The preparation led to what might be the best year of my life. The excitement, adventure, and fulfilling experiences have not since been surpassed.

So let's get this started! 45 days of blogging... It will not be easy! But we are in this together, right?

Happy reading!