Finding Freedom, Day 1: 45 Things to Know on My 45th Birthday

I wish I had written this list in advance, allowing it to compile itself over the 45 days leading up to my birthday. But because I am the best at procrastinating, I decided to wait. I planned to wait until the end of the day ON my birthday to write it. However, last night was a disaster so I came home and went straight to bed. I woke up this morning at my usual time (some time between 5 and 6AM), with a bloody nose, ate some leftover home made mac and cheese, prayed, let the dog out, and thought long and hard about my life. I wish I had written this list in advance. Because now... I am feeling a little more jaded than hopeful.

Good things happened yesterday. My beautiful, smart Goddaughter, who is excelling in her career and well on her way to an amazing story-filled life, called the shop where my car was being fixed and made a payment on the work. What an amazing blessing when you are facing a $422 bill on your birthday. My sister and my three besties (Tiffany, Diane & Craig) were true to their roles in my life and offered beautiful birthday wishes and support. Facebook rocked. If I had to pick only one reason to love Facebook, it would be my birthday when almost 200 people send a note my way every year.

No matter how old you are, you create expectations for your birthday. With the exception of my 40th, my expectations have been relatively the same. I don't want a big deal. Just dinner with friends. Nothing wild and crazy. And that's how it has been. Sometimes routine is what is best. I understand why some people just stay in their corner of the world and refuse to venture out. Last night was a disaster. I planned a month ago to go to a trivia night with coworkers. Life is hectic for the ones I am closest to so I thought I would do something safe. The first people I saw were my ex friends. When I overcame the moment of panic that accompanied that, a domino of bizarre, eighth-grade-type events began to unfold and I ended up leaving. It was likely the worst birthday I have had since I turned 30. (Thirty was the last time I tried to live outside of my typical birthday box.)

So, I cried a little. I told a few people to kindly fuck off. And I immediately regretted nearly every decision I have made in the last month. That is going to color this list a bit and for that, I apologize. But, here it goes:

1. I am all an all-in person. I don't half ass my relationships no matter what kind of relationships they are. I give everything I've got.
2. While it appears as if I trust too easily, I am really just giving people the opportunity to screw up so I can cut them off. I don't truly trust many.
3. It makes me uncomfortable when others advocate for me. While I am not the first person to stand up for myself, I don't trust what anyone else might say. I would rather speak for myself. (If you are going to quote me, you should quote me exactly.)
4. I am not easy to love. Loving me requires work, jumping through a few hoops even. I am completely aware of this and sometimes I feel bad about it but, as cliche as it sounds, I am expecting you to leave. So, if you are planning to stay, I need to you to show me.
5. I could eat mac and cheese or Mexican food three times a day. There is not a moment in life when cheesy noodles or tacos doesn't sound like a good idea.
6. The same goes for cupcakes. I will eat them for breakfast, take one for the road and chow down on a third an hour later. 
7. That said, I don't like being fat. I am uncomfortable sometimes. I know my heart can't take it and I am pretty sure I am almost diabetic, if not already. There is some work to be done.
8. I don't have time for people who try to make me feel stupid. Support is not degrading another person for their mistakes. It's not "I told you so."
9. When I feel stupid because of the "brave" efforts of someone else, I will make someone's life miserable or hurt someone with my words.
10. I also don't have time for selfishness. I don't expect everyone to charge full boar into a relationship but if the last thing you do is think of others, you should happily keep walking in a direction that is far away from me.
11. I like dogs more than people.
12. Weather changes are difficult for me. They affect my body in the worst way but they also affect my mood.
13. I believe in the power of a full moon. (Which explains why last night was so completely fucked up.)
14. I curse. A lot. And I am not sorry.
15. My recurring dreams are about losing my teeth, having contacts that are so oddly shaped I can't fit them into my eyes, and that I am being stalked by lions.
16. I used to see a psychic a few times a year. I know some people thinks that's demonic but you are entitled to your opinion. You are also free to pray for my deliverance.
17. I walk my dog twice a day. Three times on the weekends.
18. I have dog mom guilt. I cannot leave her for too long and if I go a day without walking her, I feel like a jerk.
19. I don't believe everyone should have a dog. Leaving a dog alone for twelve hours a day is the equivalent of chaining him to a tree. 
20. I have strong opinions that go beyond pet ownership. This is not a surprise to most people.
21. For years, I have wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Others laugh at me or tell me how dumb that is all the time. Most of those people have never been pregnant.
22. I hate that I am turning 45. It is the first birthday that I have absolutely despised. 
23. I am afraid I am going to die soon. My grandparents on my birth mom's side died in their 50s from heart attacks.
24. Some days, I wish I had never looked up my adoption records. I am so grateful to have met most of my family members but it was a decision that altered the course of my life dramatically and that destroyed some of my family relationships too.
25. I wish that people would look as deeply inside me as I do them.
26. If I could do three things today, I would get a massage, get a pedicure and make out with Dwayne Johnson. (The real Dwayne Johnson)
27. I love to cook and every week, I try a new recipe. 
28. I used to love to bake. I don't know what made me stop. I might have to examine that a little bit. 
29. I am in more debt now than I have ever been. My career transition and the subsequent cut in pay might be what causes that heart attack I am worried about...
30. I would like to move out of the state.
31. I would love to teach on a reservation. 
32. There are days when I think it might be best for me to just stop speaking. Permanently.
33. I have never been suicidal but I think about running away all of the time.
34. I love fresh flowers. When I had money, I bought them every week at the Farmer's Market. I used to buy them for my project management teams too. 
35. If I tell you that I love you, I mean it. It is not always a phrase of intimacy for me. In fact, that's probably when I say it the least. 
36. I feel every emotion deeply and profoundly. 
37. I sometimes feel weighed down by what others are going through and it is paralyzing for me.
38. I often think that this life is not the one I was meant to live. Like I was switched at birth or got caught up in a parallel universe.
39. Diet Dr. Pepper is probably slowly killing me but I can't stop drinking it.
40. I miss traveling.
41. I also miss having my own space.
42. While I willingly care for others, feeling like I am the only one who has to take care of everyone else makes me angry. And I actually find myself hating people who don't take care of their families because it seems wrong and it seems unfair.
43. I am already feeling done with 2016. 
44. I plan to spend this year getting my books published and working on a few things that will be for my benefit alone.
45. Forty-five completely sucks so far. I do not recommend it.

Finding Freedom, Day 32: Surprise? Or Nah?

Is there anything that doesn't surprise you?  *Laughing maniacally!* Are you kidding? Let me make you a list:

1. The insensitivity of others rarely surprises me. On a daily basis, I witness the fine line that separates selfishness and insensitivity.
2. Saturday Night Live no longer surprises me. It is awful. Almost. Always.
3. The center of a tootsie pop is not nearly as fun as it was when I was 5 years old. I don't care how many licks it takes. I am just going to make up a number and bite that sucker in half to get to the tootsie roll as soon as possible.
4. Not surprised when I come home and the wine is GONE. Completely gone. 
5. There are three people in my life who only call me when they need money. When their numbers pop up on my caller ID, I like to answer and say, "Hey! What's going on? Haven't heard from you in a while..." as if I don't know the answer. 
6. Every time a guy thinks I am interested in him because I am nice to him, I sigh. Are you hot? Yes. Are you funny? Absolutely. Are you gainfully employed? Indeed. Did I smile at you? Yep. Laugh at your jokes? Of course. You are funny after all. Am I impressed by your interesting career choice? Incredibly. Does all of this add up to me wanting you? No. Stop it. I might even compliment you on your obvious beauty. I am just a nice person. Get over yourself.
7. Sometimes when I am tired, I say aloud, "Man I am tired." If my dad is within earshot, he responds, "Go to bed!" EVERY. TIME.
8. I actually build in time for my students to do their homework IN CLASS the day that it is due because they don't do their homework. If I ever came to class and they all had their homework complete and ready to turn in, I would probably have a heart attack which would totally ruin the potential for a surprise.
9. I don't even cry any more when a 64-year-old man contacts me via an online dating site. 
10. I've been fired a few times. Once I brought boxes to work the morning that they let me go. When the less-than-adequate employee from human resources came to ask if I needed a box to pack up, I said, "No, I brought my own." I thought she was going to pass out.
11. I am never surprised when the guy who does my oil change tries to tell me I need another $1000 in repairs. I usually just give him the ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND look and he backs down.
12. Any time I get a compliment or a pat on the back for nearly anything, I fully expect someone to make some smartass comment or to pitch a fit because he or she never got any credit for a similar act of brilliance. Please feel free to completely destroy the moment.
13. Relationship failure. I know it's coming. I don't even try to prolong it any more. It's a shame I never became adept at marrying wealthy old men.
14. The guy who decides at the last minute to MERGE on the highway does not surprise me. I know it is not an accident sir. It is not an OOPS moment. You knew two miles ago that you were going to have to get in my lane but you pretended like you didn't all the way until your lane ran out and now you expect me to let you in. Well, I have a surprise for you: I'm not going to do it. Especially if you have a Jesus fish on the back of your car. (That is a conversation for later.)
15. I am not surprised when people tell me they are pregnant or engaged or getting divorced. For some reason I have always had a sense about things like that. 

Would I like to be surprised? I think I might. For many years, I said, "Please do not surprise me. It makes me uncomfortable." I wouldn't want to receive bad news as a surprise. For example, I would want anyone to break up with me on TV or tell me something potentially devastating in front of a large crowd. But I would LOVE it if Ellen would surprise me at work and give me $20,000 from Target or $50,000 from Shutterfly to help me pay my bills and buy fun stuff for my class, like field trips. I would also be okay with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson showing up on my birthday with a cake, ready to celebrate with me. 

How about you? Are you easily surprised? Or nah?

Finding Freedom, Day 33: You are Fat

The first time someone told me they thought I was fat, I was seven years old. A year later, I was on my first diet: Weight Watcher's. The older I get the more appalled I am by the audacity of those who deem it acceptable to tell anyone else that their weight is offensive.

You don't have to stuff it into last year's winter clothes. You don't have to lug it up the hill to the mailbox or from the parking lot to work. You don't have to touch it. You really don't even have to look at it so I am not sure why it is your business.

I stepped out of the womb on the chunky side. At over eight pounds and almost 22 inches long, I was a beast of a child for a woman who stood only five feet and two inches tall. According to my birth records, she only weighed 115 when she got pregnant with me so she was petite. I don't know how much weight she gained but I do know that for typically smaller people, even a few pounds makes a difference in how they feel and the clothes they can wear.

When you are larger, however, you can lose two, three, four, five pounds in a day. It would take some people a week to lose that weight. Not me. 14 years ago, I went on a drastic diet. Consuming only 1200 calories a day, cutting out all caffeine and alcohol and taking two pills a day to speed up my metabolism and make me forget that I was hungry. I lost 18 pounds in the first 10 days. But when you weigh 250 pounds, 18 is just a drop in the bucket. It is not life changing. What was almost life-changing was the 70 pounds I lost in just 16 weeks. Still 33 pounds away from my goal weight, I started to get sick and had to stop the diet. It only took a couple of years to begin gaining the weight back. And the diet cycle continued.

"You have to make a lifestyle change!" they say. Did you hear me when I told you that I was born big? With the shoulders of a linebacker, standing 5'10" and wearing a size ten shoe by the time I was 14, I was never a small girl. But even as a teenager, what made me feel bad about my size was the comments of others. I remember being taunted as a teenager and being called fat. I remember my grandma who was under five feet tall and 90 pounds telling me I was fat. I was 5'10" and weighed 154. I was perfect. PERFECT. Even by the standards set by God knows who that tell us how much we should weigh for our height and bone structure. I was PERFECT and they told me I was not. And I believed them.

I struggle today. Some of my volleyball players tell me that I'm "thick," I am not fat. I appreciate a community of people who can appreciate the parts of me that others label imperfect. But I wonder now if it is the sight of myself I cannot stand or if it is the way others look at me because they can't stand fat people that causes me to think of myself as less than.

Finding Freedom, Day 35: Dear 16-year-old Me

The question for today came from a dear friend and former coworker: Knowing what you know of life now, what would you tell your 16-year-old self? Here is a letter to my 16-year-old self:

Dear Michele,

The limits of your imagination prevent you from remotely comprehending what lies ahead for you. In fact parts of your life are so big, they would blow your mind. But without giving away too much, I want to try to prepare you for your journey.

First of all, keep all of your journals. Make sure you pack away all of the stories you have been writing with Diane. You might be afraid of your words or of others reading your words because then they will know how you really feel but you are going to find your voice in your 30s and you won't be embarrassed any more.

Second, believe it or not, there will come a time when you will no longer be afraid to talk to people you don't know. Not only will you be able to order your own pizza but in 20 years, you will sing in front of 60,000 people. Stop freaking out. You'll be fine.

Speaking of singing, don't quit choir. Sister Bea is going to hunt you down in every nook and cranny of that school. She might even show up at your house. It's not worth trying to escape. KEEP SINGING.

Third, you are about to jump from group of friends to group of friends and that's ok as long as you stay friends with each of the previous groups. Your job in life will be to connect people, to build bridges where bridges have been burned and to lead others down a path of understanding. Stop messing things up.

Fourth, please for the love of all things holy, LET A BOY KISS YOU. Your fear of the opposite sex is not only ridiculous but it will last until you are in your 20s if you don't just get that kiss out of the way. (But don't get carried away... save that for your wild and crazy 30s.)

Fifth, all of your concerns about life and relationships and your weight and your toes are valid. Feelings cannot be called wrong. But I want you to know that right now, you are as close to perfect as you will ever be. If you can't love who you are right now, at least appreciate it. Know that one day you will wish you had those legs, you will long for your innocence and you will get a lot of compliments on your smile.

Finally, a wise woman once told me that "everything is preparation for something." Just remember that the next time Mr. Wells yells at you or you get into an argument with a classmate or you get grounded from your car. It's all true.

I love you more than you can possibly believe in this moment. I really do.

44-year-old Michele

Finding Freedom: Let's get started!

For the next 45 days, I will be blogging in preparation for my 45th birthday. I have asked friends and colleagues to submit questions for me to answer so I will cover a variety of topics. There is still time to ask your question or suggest your topic though! Just comment below or send me a message.

In 2011, I ventured out on the same mission: to capture the last days before I turned the big 4-0. The preparation led to what might be the best year of my life. The excitement, adventure, and fulfilling experiences have not since been surpassed.

So let's get this started! 45 days of blogging... It will not be easy! But we are in this together, right?

Happy reading!