Good things happened yesterday. My beautiful, smart Goddaughter, who is excelling in her career and well on her way to an amazing story-filled life, called the shop where my car was being fixed and made a payment on the work. What an amazing blessing when you are facing a $422 bill on your birthday. My sister and my three besties (Tiffany, Diane & Craig) were true to their roles in my life and offered beautiful birthday wishes and support. Facebook rocked. If I had to pick only one reason to love Facebook, it would be my birthday when almost 200 people send a note my way every year.
No matter how old you are, you create expectations for your birthday. With the exception of my 40th, my expectations have been relatively the same. I don't want a big deal. Just dinner with friends. Nothing wild and crazy. And that's how it has been. Sometimes routine is what is best. I understand why some people just stay in their corner of the world and refuse to venture out. Last night was a disaster. I planned a month ago to go to a trivia night with coworkers. Life is hectic for the ones I am closest to so I thought I would do something safe. The first people I saw were my ex friends. When I overcame the moment of panic that accompanied that, a domino of bizarre, eighth-grade-type events began to unfold and I ended up leaving. It was likely the worst birthday I have had since I turned 30. (Thirty was the last time I tried to live outside of my typical birthday box.)
So, I cried a little. I told a few people to kindly fuck off. And I immediately regretted nearly every decision I have made in the last month. That is going to color this list a bit and for that, I apologize. But, here it goes:
- I am all an all-in person. I don't half ass my relationships no matter what kind of relationships they are. I give everything I've got.
- While it appears as if I trust too easily, I am really just giving people the opportunity to screw up so I can cut them off. I don't truly trust many.
- It makes me uncomfortable when others advocate for me. While I am not the first person to stand up for myself, I don't trust what anyone else might say. I would rather speak for myself. (If you are going to quote me, you should quote me exactly.)
- I am not easy to love. Loving me requires work, jumping through a few hoops even. I am completely aware of this and sometimes I feel bad about it but, as cliche as it sounds, I am expecting you to leave. So, if you are planning to stay, I need to you to show me.
- I could eat mac and cheese or Mexican food three times a day. There is not a moment in life when cheesy noodles or tacos doesn't sound like a good idea.
- The same goes for cupcakes. I will eat them for breakfast, take one for the road and chow down on a third an hour later.
- That said, I don't like being fat. I am uncomfortable sometimes. I know my heart can't take it and I am pretty sure I am almost diabetic, if not already. There is some work to be done.
- I don't have time for people who try to make me feel stupid. Support is not degrading another person for their mistakes. It's not "I told you so."
- When I feel stupid because of the "brave" efforts of someone else, I will make someone's life miserable or hurt someone with my words.
- I also don't have time for selfishness. I don't expect everyone to charge full boar into a relationship but if the last thing you do is think of others, you should happily keep walking in a direction that is far away from me.
- I like dogs more than people.
- Weather changes are difficult for me. They affect my body in the worst way but they also affect my mood.
- I believe in the power of a full moon. (Which explains why last night was so completely fucked up.)
- I curse. A lot. And I am not sorry.
- My recurring dreams are about losing my teeth, having contacts that are so oddly shaped I can't fit them into my eyes, and that I am being stalked by lions.
- I used to see a psychic a few times a year. I know some people thinks that's demonic but you are entitled to your opinion. You are also free to pray for my deliverance.
- I walk my dog twice a day. Three times on the weekends.
- I have dog mom guilt. I cannot leave her for too long and if I go a day without walking her, I feel like a jerk.
- I don't believe everyone should have a dog. Leaving a dog alone for twelve hours a day is the equivalent of chaining him to a tree.
- I have strong opinions that go beyond pet ownership. This is not a surprise to most people.
- For years, I have wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Others laugh at me or tell me how dumb that is all the time. Most of those people have never been pregnant.
- I hate that I am turning 45. It is the first birthday that I have absolutely despised.
- I am afraid I am going to die soon. My grandparents on my birth mom's side died in their 50s from heart attacks.
- Some days, I wish I had never looked up my adoption records. I am so grateful to have met most of my family members but it was a decision that altered the course of my life dramatically and that destroyed some of my family relationships too.
- I wish that people would look as deeply inside me as I do them.
- If I could do three things today, I would get a massage, get a pedicure and make out with Dwayne Johnson. (The real Dwayne Johnson)
- I love to cook and every week, I try a new recipe.
- I used to love to bake. I don't know what made me stop. I might have to examine that a little bit.
- I am in more debt now than I have ever been. My career transition and the subsequent cut in pay might be what causes that heart attack I am worried about...
- I would like to move out of the state.
- I would love to teach on a reservation.
- There are days when I think it might be best for me to just stop speaking. Permanently.
- I have never been suicidal but I think about running away all of the time.
- I love fresh flowers. When I had money, I bought them every week at the Farmer's Market. I used to buy them for my project management teams too.
- If I tell you that I love you, I mean it. It is not always a phrase of intimacy for me. In fact, that's probably when I say it the least.
- I feel every emotion deeply and profoundly.
- I sometimes feel weighed down by what others are going through and it is paralyzing for me.
- I often think that this life is not the one I was meant to live. Like I was switched at birth or got caught up in a parallel universe.
- Diet Dr. Pepper is probably slowly killing me but I can't stop drinking it.
- I miss traveling.
- I also miss having my own space.
- While I willingly care for others, feeling like I am the only one who has to take care of everyone else makes me angry. And I actually find myself hating people who don't take care of their families because it seems wrong and it seems unfair.
- I am already feeling done with 2016.
- I plan to spend this year getting my books published and working on a few things that will be for my benefit alone.
- Forty-five completely sucks so far. I do not recommend it.
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