Finding Freedom, Day 1: 45 Things to Know on My 45th Birthday

I wish I had written this list in advance, allowing it to compile itself over the 45 days leading up to my birthday. But because I am the best at procrastinating, I decided to wait. I planned to wait until the end of the day ON my birthday to write it. However, last night was a disaster so I came home and went straight to bed. I woke up this morning at my usual time (some time between 5 and 6AM), with a bloody nose, ate some leftover home made mac and cheese, prayed, let the dog out, and thought long and hard about my life. I wish I had written this list in advance. Because now... I am feeling a little more jaded than hopeful.

Good things happened yesterday. My beautiful, smart Goddaughter, who is excelling in her career and well on her way to an amazing story-filled life, called the shop where my car was being fixed and made a payment on the work. What an amazing blessing when you are facing a $422 bill on your birthday. My sister and my three besties (Tiffany, Diane & Craig) were true to their roles in my life and offered beautiful birthday wishes and support. Facebook rocked. If I had to pick only one reason to love Facebook, it would be my birthday when almost 200 people send a note my way every year.

No matter how old you are, you create expectations for your birthday. With the exception of my 40th, my expectations have been relatively the same. I don't want a big deal. Just dinner with friends. Nothing wild and crazy. And that's how it has been. Sometimes routine is what is best. I understand why some people just stay in their corner of the world and refuse to venture out. Last night was a disaster. I planned a month ago to go to a trivia night with coworkers. Life is hectic for the ones I am closest to so I thought I would do something safe. The first people I saw were my ex friends. When I overcame the moment of panic that accompanied that, a domino of bizarre, eighth-grade-type events began to unfold and I ended up leaving. It was likely the worst birthday I have had since I turned 30. (Thirty was the last time I tried to live outside of my typical birthday box.)

So, I cried a little. I told a few people to kindly fuck off. And I immediately regretted nearly every decision I have made in the last month. That is going to color this list a bit and for that, I apologize. But, here it goes:

1. I am all an all-in person. I don't half ass my relationships no matter what kind of relationships they are. I give everything I've got.
2. While it appears as if I trust too easily, I am really just giving people the opportunity to screw up so I can cut them off. I don't truly trust many.
3. It makes me uncomfortable when others advocate for me. While I am not the first person to stand up for myself, I don't trust what anyone else might say. I would rather speak for myself. (If you are going to quote me, you should quote me exactly.)
4. I am not easy to love. Loving me requires work, jumping through a few hoops even. I am completely aware of this and sometimes I feel bad about it but, as cliche as it sounds, I am expecting you to leave. So, if you are planning to stay, I need to you to show me.
5. I could eat mac and cheese or Mexican food three times a day. There is not a moment in life when cheesy noodles or tacos doesn't sound like a good idea.
6. The same goes for cupcakes. I will eat them for breakfast, take one for the road and chow down on a third an hour later. 
7. That said, I don't like being fat. I am uncomfortable sometimes. I know my heart can't take it and I am pretty sure I am almost diabetic, if not already. There is some work to be done.
8. I don't have time for people who try to make me feel stupid. Support is not degrading another person for their mistakes. It's not "I told you so."
9. When I feel stupid because of the "brave" efforts of someone else, I will make someone's life miserable or hurt someone with my words.
10. I also don't have time for selfishness. I don't expect everyone to charge full boar into a relationship but if the last thing you do is think of others, you should happily keep walking in a direction that is far away from me.
11. I like dogs more than people.
12. Weather changes are difficult for me. They affect my body in the worst way but they also affect my mood.
13. I believe in the power of a full moon. (Which explains why last night was so completely fucked up.)
14. I curse. A lot. And I am not sorry.
15. My recurring dreams are about losing my teeth, having contacts that are so oddly shaped I can't fit them into my eyes, and that I am being stalked by lions.
16. I used to see a psychic a few times a year. I know some people thinks that's demonic but you are entitled to your opinion. You are also free to pray for my deliverance.
17. I walk my dog twice a day. Three times on the weekends.
18. I have dog mom guilt. I cannot leave her for too long and if I go a day without walking her, I feel like a jerk.
19. I don't believe everyone should have a dog. Leaving a dog alone for twelve hours a day is the equivalent of chaining him to a tree. 
20. I have strong opinions that go beyond pet ownership. This is not a surprise to most people.
21. For years, I have wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Others laugh at me or tell me how dumb that is all the time. Most of those people have never been pregnant.
22. I hate that I am turning 45. It is the first birthday that I have absolutely despised. 
23. I am afraid I am going to die soon. My grandparents on my birth mom's side died in their 50s from heart attacks.
24. Some days, I wish I had never looked up my adoption records. I am so grateful to have met most of my family members but it was a decision that altered the course of my life dramatically and that destroyed some of my family relationships too.
25. I wish that people would look as deeply inside me as I do them.
26. If I could do three things today, I would get a massage, get a pedicure and make out with Dwayne Johnson. (The real Dwayne Johnson)
27. I love to cook and every week, I try a new recipe. 
28. I used to love to bake. I don't know what made me stop. I might have to examine that a little bit. 
29. I am in more debt now than I have ever been. My career transition and the subsequent cut in pay might be what causes that heart attack I am worried about...
30. I would like to move out of the state.
31. I would love to teach on a reservation. 
32. There are days when I think it might be best for me to just stop speaking. Permanently.
33. I have never been suicidal but I think about running away all of the time.
34. I love fresh flowers. When I had money, I bought them every week at the Farmer's Market. I used to buy them for my project management teams too. 
35. If I tell you that I love you, I mean it. It is not always a phrase of intimacy for me. In fact, that's probably when I say it the least. 
36. I feel every emotion deeply and profoundly. 
37. I sometimes feel weighed down by what others are going through and it is paralyzing for me.
38. I often think that this life is not the one I was meant to live. Like I was switched at birth or got caught up in a parallel universe.
39. Diet Dr. Pepper is probably slowly killing me but I can't stop drinking it.
40. I miss traveling.
41. I also miss having my own space.
42. While I willingly care for others, feeling like I am the only one who has to take care of everyone else makes me angry. And I actually find myself hating people who don't take care of their families because it seems wrong and it seems unfair.
43. I am already feeling done with 2016. 
44. I plan to spend this year getting my books published and working on a few things that will be for my benefit alone.
45. Forty-five completely sucks so far. I do not recommend it.

Finding Freedom, Day 36: Circle of Friends

Today's blog is inspired by an exercise my English class has been doing...

My mom always said, "You are who your friends are." Although I struggled to understand what she meant as a child and even as a teenager, with age came wisdom. For about twenty years, my busy and adventurous life led to large groups of friends and regular events and parties. In recent years, my circle of friends has gotten smaller and smaller which means fewer social events but it also means less drama and less headache.

I am finally in a place where I know what my circle of friends should look like and should feel like. While I am not afraid to push someone out or to remove myself from a situation that does not suit my circle, the questions I ask myself and the way I look at relationships is rapidly changing even now.

Ten Things I Know For Sure About Friends

1. Friends should not make you feel bad about yourself or your decisions. While they are not required to agree with you, they should be able to separate you from your choices and they should be supportive of you. For example, I might not want my friend to move across the country to another state, but I know it is what is best for her and I want nothing more than to see her successful and happy.
2. Friends should not like you "even though..." They should not like you even though you are a Cubs fan and they should not like you even though you are a different ethnicity. If you have a friend who makes you feel like you are cool even though you are black or even though you are white, they are not your friend.
3. Expectations for friends should be based on what individuals have to offer and not just on what we need personally.
4. Friends should help you move. They should carry boxes or help you pack. They should bring by some beer or sandwiches. Or they should bring people with them who can do those things.
5. You should never have to wonder if your friend is going to be true to his or her word. Friends should be dependable.
6. Selfishness cannot enter the friendship equation at any time. Your needs can never be greater than those of your friends and your friend should not put his or her needs above yours all the time. Friendship is a two way street that is much more enjoyable to pass over when the two parties put each other first.
7. Speaking of putting each other first... If you are the doer, the planner, the payer, the giver, the mover, the shaker and your friend is the benefactor, you don't have a friendship. Friends to not take advantage of one another.
8. Some friendships with last a lifetime. And some are just for a season. If you are really lucky, you will reunite with some of those seasonal friends and make them lifelong friends.
9. You don't have to talk to each other EVERY day in order to be friends. Some of the best friends you will ever have are the ones you see every two or three months.
10. You have to BE a good friend to HAVE a good friend. However, sometimes we spend inordinate time and effort on a person who is just not capable of returning the love. When that happens, instead of pushing the issue, just move on. Don't let a friendship rescue mission distract you from the real people around you who love you.