My mom always said, "You are who your friends are." Although I struggled to understand what she meant as a child and even as a teenager, with age came wisdom. For about twenty years, my busy and adventurous life led to large groups of friends and regular events and parties. In recent years, my circle of friends has gotten smaller and smaller which means fewer social events but it also means less drama and less headache.
I am finally in a place where I know what my circle of friends should look like and should feel like. While I am not afraid to push someone out or to remove myself from a situation that does not suit my circle, the questions I ask myself and the way I look at relationships is rapidly changing even now.
Ten Things I Know For Sure About Friends
- Friends should not make you feel bad about yourself or your decisions. While they are not required to agree with you, they should be able to separate you from your choices and they should be supportive of you. For example, I might not want my friend to move across the country to another state, but I know it is what is best for her and I want nothing more than to see her successful and happy.
- Friends should not like you "even though..." They should not like you even though you are a Cubs fan and they should not like you even though you are a different ethnicity. If you have a friend who makes you feel like you are cool even though you are black or even though you are white, they are not your friend.
- Expectations for friends should be based on what individuals have to offer and not just on what we need personally.
- Friends should help you move. They should carry boxes or help you pack. They should bring by some beer or sandwiches. Or they should bring people with them who can do those things.
- You should never have to wonder if your friend is going to be true to his or her word. Friends should be dependable.
- Selfishness cannot enter the friendship equation at any time. Your needs can never be greater than those of your friends and your friend should not put his or her needs above yours all the time. Friendship is a two way street that is much more enjoyable to pass over when the two parties put each other first.
- Speaking of putting each other first... If you are the doer, the planner, the payer, the giver, the mover, the shaker and your friend is the benefactor, you don't have a friendship. Friends to not take advantage of one another.
- Some friendships with last a lifetime. And some are just for a season. If you are really lucky, you will reunite with some of those seasonal friends and make them lifelong friends.
- You don't have to talk to each other EVERY day in order to be friends. Some of the best friends you will ever have are the ones you see every two or three months.
- You have to BE a good friend to HAVE a good friend. However, sometimes we spend inordinate time and effort on a person who is just not capable of returning the love. When that happens, instead of pushing the issue, just move on. Don't let a friendship rescue mission distract you from the real people around you who love you.
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