The other day a male friend told me I should write a guide for men about HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH WOMEN. I am sure there are shelves and selves of books at the local library covering the topic but, naturally, I have a few thoughts on the subject.
Communication is communication no matter the gender of the two or more parties involved. People tend to over think the simplicity of conversation and I would like to propose that we all just start saying exactly what we mean and we be careful to mean 100% of what we say.
In the movie "When Harry Met Sally," Harry was fairly accurate when he told Sally that men and women can't just be friends. While not true for every situation, if a man and a women share an attraction to one another, whether it is physical, emotional or intellectual, the likelihood of them remaining in the friend zone is slim to none. If there is attraction on one side, especially if it is a physical attraction, it is difficult to overcome for the sake of being just friends with someone. In fact, I would say it is relatively painful for the party bearing the attraction. If there is no attraction other than that of a friend, then you are good to go and this is the situation in which Harry was completely wrong. We must keep in mind, however, that Harry said what he said because he was attracted to Sally and he wanted her to know that, under no circumstances, did he intend to just be friends with her. At minimum, there would be some hanky-panky.
Now... all of that said, here are some guidelines, I think both men and women might follow so as to avoid any confusion regarding the trajectory of your relationship.
1. If you are attracted to someone, be honest about it early on in your friendship. Allowing it to continue in the hopes that it will grow into a courtship or an intimate relationship could end up heartbreaking if the attraction is not reciprocated.
2. If you are not attracted to a new friend (or an old friend for that matter) but you enjoy that person's company and you interact often, consider the possibility of an attraction on his or her end. Then, in all things, think about your best friend who is the same gender as you and ask yourself this question: "Would I do this with or for my best friend?" If the answer is yes, then it is likely you are not leading the other person on in any way. You are just doing the same things you would do with your other friends. No more and no less. If the answer is no, then why are you doing it? He or she IS just your friend, right?
3. Make sure that your actions match your words. As a single person, you cannot spend an inordinate amount of time with another single person and then spring it on him or her later that you are not interested in any way. If you find yourself alone with someone regularly, you are clearly on a path that signifies a growing relationship. Unless you have outlined the rules in advance: I like hanging out with you, we have fun, I have no desire to grow this thing into an intimate or long-term relationship with you even though I would rather spend more time with you than anyone else in the whole world. Wait... WHAT? That does not add up.
4. Ask yourself what you want from this friendship. If it is a movie buddy, stick to movies. Make that your thing. If it is someone to go fishing with during trout season, make that your thing. Stick to whatever that thing is. If you are looking for a potential partner to court, date, and marry, make that decision quickly. Don't draw it out. It's safe to say that we all know early on if we are attracted to someone or not. So if you want to see where it is going to go, say that. I love being friends with you but I want to know more. I want to know if this could be something more and then if it can't, you have to walk away. I think that's the risk we don't want to take. We don't want to lose a good friend because we tried to make it more and it didn't work.
I hope that helps. It helped me just typing it.
Love it!!
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