Wondering what may have been if only I had made a different decision doesn't happen often. I work hard to live without regret and to reconcile my decisions quickly so I am not left wondering. Yet there is one big "what if" that not only lingers in my life but is also held close to my heart.
The summer of 1999 lead me on the roller coaster ride of my life including the most devastating experience I have ever had. I was dating a professional baseball player when I found out I was pregnant. At 28 years old and unmarried with no children, the idea of having a baby thrilled me. It didn't have the same immediate effect on my parents but I was determined to turn a tough situation into something beautiful before it was all said and done.
The baby's Dominican father became detached early on, making it clear that I was flying solo for the long haul. I didn't care. I remember having a conversation with the baby once, telling him not to worry. "Go ahead and grow," I said. "We will figure this out together."
Unfortunately, nearly half way through my pregnancy, the baby's heart stopped beating. While I don't want to go into the details of the days that followed or the emotions felt or the physical torture of such an experience, I do want to acknowledge that when his heart stopped, my heart broke.
Next month, we would have celebrated his 16th birthday. Not a day goes by that I do not think what if he was here. What if he had survived? What if I was a single mom to a teenager? What if he was smart and beautiful and talented? What if he was popular? What if he wasn't? What if? What if? What if?
I count myself fortunate to be surrounded by teenagers every day. It helps temper the "what ifs" a little. I get a daily glimpse of what he might have been like. I look at the beautiful, intelligent, funny boys I teach every day and I hope he might have been like some of them.
And I have so many students without moms. I cherish the moments when one comes by for a hug because he is missing his mom. It's like a conspiracy between the moms and my boy to make sure we are all getting what we need that day.
I do wish I didn't have to wonder. But I am so incredibly grateful for the time I had. But what if I had another chance?
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