On a daily basis, I make a conscious effort to be grateful. Some days are more difficult than others. Some days, in spite of the amazing experiences I have had and the relatively full life I have lead, I struggle to move beyond what I don't have or what I haven't experienced. And some days, I feel like I don't matter. On those days in particular, it is difficult to be grateful.
Yesterday I saw a quote that said, "Some people aren't looking for attention. Some are looking for reassurance that they matter and that someone will treat them as if they exist again." Reading it a time or two, I thought, yes. That is me. On the outside, because of many situations I am in, it may seem as if I thrive on the attention of others when in reality all I want is to matter to someone.
People might argue that I do matter. But to be loved by others and to feel like you matter are two completely different things.
Throughout my life, it has been my responsibility to care for those around me. In my first career, I had to get things done and keep everyone happy and productive in the process. As a teacher, the children come first whether I am creating a lesson or we have some sort of emergency drill. In my personal life, I have always been the doting partner, who worked to create an environment in which my man could be successful and happy. In my family, I am the planner, the doer, the caretaker. Among friends, I am the planner and the doer. If I am not planning and doing, my phone does not ring most of the time.
It sounds like WOE IS ME. But I am not feeling sorry for myself. I LOVE to be the planner and the doer and the caretaker who looks out for others and puts others first. It brings me great joy. But some days, I want to feel like I am the one who is important, who is the focus of attention, who is the ONE who matters to someone else.
Some days, I want to be the one called and not the one calling. I want to be the one cared for and not the one doing the caring. Some days, I want to be the one deciding and not the one who just goes along with what everyone else wants and I want everyone else to just not complain when I try to make a decision. Some days, I want to come first. I don't want to take a backseat to the dreams and goals, and quite frankly the needs of everyone else. I want to be the friend who matters to someone else. I want to be the girl who matters to the guy. I want to be the one whose opinion is important and whose advice is heeded and who is actually thanked sometimes.
The funny thing is... I started thinking about this the other day at work when one of my coworkers demonstrated that she heard me in a conversation weeks ago. She was working toward helping me get something that would really make me happy. She heard me and it mattered.
I drove home that day thinking, "that was really cool."
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