Finding Freedom, Day 32: Surprise? Or Nah?

Is there anything that doesn't surprise you?  *Laughing maniacally!* Are you kidding? Let me make you a list:

1. The insensitivity of others rarely surprises me. On a daily basis, I witness the fine line that separates selfishness and insensitivity.
2. Saturday Night Live no longer surprises me. It is awful. Almost. Always.
3. The center of a tootsie pop is not nearly as fun as it was when I was 5 years old. I don't care how many licks it takes. I am just going to make up a number and bite that sucker in half to get to the tootsie roll as soon as possible.
4. Not surprised when I come home and the wine is GONE. Completely gone. 
5. There are three people in my life who only call me when they need money. When their numbers pop up on my caller ID, I like to answer and say, "Hey! What's going on? Haven't heard from you in a while..." as if I don't know the answer. 
6. Every time a guy thinks I am interested in him because I am nice to him, I sigh. Are you hot? Yes. Are you funny? Absolutely. Are you gainfully employed? Indeed. Did I smile at you? Yep. Laugh at your jokes? Of course. You are funny after all. Am I impressed by your interesting career choice? Incredibly. Does all of this add up to me wanting you? No. Stop it. I might even compliment you on your obvious beauty. I am just a nice person. Get over yourself.
7. Sometimes when I am tired, I say aloud, "Man I am tired." If my dad is within earshot, he responds, "Go to bed!" EVERY. TIME.
8. I actually build in time for my students to do their homework IN CLASS the day that it is due because they don't do their homework. If I ever came to class and they all had their homework complete and ready to turn in, I would probably have a heart attack which would totally ruin the potential for a surprise.
9. I don't even cry any more when a 64-year-old man contacts me via an online dating site. 
10. I've been fired a few times. Once I brought boxes to work the morning that they let me go. When the less-than-adequate employee from human resources came to ask if I needed a box to pack up, I said, "No, I brought my own." I thought she was going to pass out.
11. I am never surprised when the guy who does my oil change tries to tell me I need another $1000 in repairs. I usually just give him the ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND look and he backs down.
12. Any time I get a compliment or a pat on the back for nearly anything, I fully expect someone to make some smartass comment or to pitch a fit because he or she never got any credit for a similar act of brilliance. Please feel free to completely destroy the moment.
13. Relationship failure. I know it's coming. I don't even try to prolong it any more. It's a shame I never became adept at marrying wealthy old men.
14. The guy who decides at the last minute to MERGE on the highway does not surprise me. I know it is not an accident sir. It is not an OOPS moment. You knew two miles ago that you were going to have to get in my lane but you pretended like you didn't all the way until your lane ran out and now you expect me to let you in. Well, I have a surprise for you: I'm not going to do it. Especially if you have a Jesus fish on the back of your car. (That is a conversation for later.)
15. I am not surprised when people tell me they are pregnant or engaged or getting divorced. For some reason I have always had a sense about things like that. 

Would I like to be surprised? I think I might. For many years, I said, "Please do not surprise me. It makes me uncomfortable." I wouldn't want to receive bad news as a surprise. For example, I would want anyone to break up with me on TV or tell me something potentially devastating in front of a large crowd. But I would LOVE it if Ellen would surprise me at work and give me $20,000 from Target or $50,000 from Shutterfly to help me pay my bills and buy fun stuff for my class, like field trips. I would also be okay with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson showing up on my birthday with a cake, ready to celebrate with me. 

How about you? Are you easily surprised? Or nah?

Finding Freedom, Day 33: You are Fat

The first time someone told me they thought I was fat, I was seven years old. A year later, I was on my first diet: Weight Watcher's. The older I get the more appalled I am by the audacity of those who deem it acceptable to tell anyone else that their weight is offensive.

You don't have to stuff it into last year's winter clothes. You don't have to lug it up the hill to the mailbox or from the parking lot to work. You don't have to touch it. You really don't even have to look at it so I am not sure why it is your business.

I stepped out of the womb on the chunky side. At over eight pounds and almost 22 inches long, I was a beast of a child for a woman who stood only five feet and two inches tall. According to my birth records, she only weighed 115 when she got pregnant with me so she was petite. I don't know how much weight she gained but I do know that for typically smaller people, even a few pounds makes a difference in how they feel and the clothes they can wear.

When you are larger, however, you can lose two, three, four, five pounds in a day. It would take some people a week to lose that weight. Not me. 14 years ago, I went on a drastic diet. Consuming only 1200 calories a day, cutting out all caffeine and alcohol and taking two pills a day to speed up my metabolism and make me forget that I was hungry. I lost 18 pounds in the first 10 days. But when you weigh 250 pounds, 18 is just a drop in the bucket. It is not life changing. What was almost life-changing was the 70 pounds I lost in just 16 weeks. Still 33 pounds away from my goal weight, I started to get sick and had to stop the diet. It only took a couple of years to begin gaining the weight back. And the diet cycle continued.

"You have to make a lifestyle change!" they say. Did you hear me when I told you that I was born big? With the shoulders of a linebacker, standing 5'10" and wearing a size ten shoe by the time I was 14, I was never a small girl. But even as a teenager, what made me feel bad about my size was the comments of others. I remember being taunted as a teenager and being called fat. I remember my grandma who was under five feet tall and 90 pounds telling me I was fat. I was 5'10" and weighed 154. I was perfect. PERFECT. Even by the standards set by God knows who that tell us how much we should weigh for our height and bone structure. I was PERFECT and they told me I was not. And I believed them.

I struggle today. Some of my volleyball players tell me that I'm "thick," I am not fat. I appreciate a community of people who can appreciate the parts of me that others label imperfect. But I wonder now if it is the sight of myself I cannot stand or if it is the way others look at me because they can't stand fat people that causes me to think of myself as less than.

Finding Freedom, Day 35: Dear 16-year-old Me

The question for today came from a dear friend and former coworker: Knowing what you know of life now, what would you tell your 16-year-old self? Here is a letter to my 16-year-old self:

Dear Michele,

The limits of your imagination prevent you from remotely comprehending what lies ahead for you. In fact parts of your life are so big, they would blow your mind. But without giving away too much, I want to try to prepare you for your journey.

First of all, keep all of your journals. Make sure you pack away all of the stories you have been writing with Diane. You might be afraid of your words or of others reading your words because then they will know how you really feel but you are going to find your voice in your 30s and you won't be embarrassed any more.

Second, believe it or not, there will come a time when you will no longer be afraid to talk to people you don't know. Not only will you be able to order your own pizza but in 20 years, you will sing in front of 60,000 people. Stop freaking out. You'll be fine.

Speaking of singing, don't quit choir. Sister Bea is going to hunt you down in every nook and cranny of that school. She might even show up at your house. It's not worth trying to escape. KEEP SINGING.

Third, you are about to jump from group of friends to group of friends and that's ok as long as you stay friends with each of the previous groups. Your job in life will be to connect people, to build bridges where bridges have been burned and to lead others down a path of understanding. Stop messing things up.

Fourth, please for the love of all things holy, LET A BOY KISS YOU. Your fear of the opposite sex is not only ridiculous but it will last until you are in your 20s if you don't just get that kiss out of the way. (But don't get carried away... save that for your wild and crazy 30s.)

Fifth, all of your concerns about life and relationships and your weight and your toes are valid. Feelings cannot be called wrong. But I want you to know that right now, you are as close to perfect as you will ever be. If you can't love who you are right now, at least appreciate it. Know that one day you will wish you had those legs, you will long for your innocence and you will get a lot of compliments on your smile.

Finally, a wise woman once told me that "everything is preparation for something." Just remember that the next time Mr. Wells yells at you or you get into an argument with a classmate or you get grounded from your car. It's all true.

I love you more than you can possibly believe in this moment. I really do.

44-year-old Michele

Finding Freedom, Day 36: Circle of Friends

Today's blog is inspired by an exercise my English class has been doing...

My mom always said, "You are who your friends are." Although I struggled to understand what she meant as a child and even as a teenager, with age came wisdom. For about twenty years, my busy and adventurous life led to large groups of friends and regular events and parties. In recent years, my circle of friends has gotten smaller and smaller which means fewer social events but it also means less drama and less headache.

I am finally in a place where I know what my circle of friends should look like and should feel like. While I am not afraid to push someone out or to remove myself from a situation that does not suit my circle, the questions I ask myself and the way I look at relationships is rapidly changing even now.

Ten Things I Know For Sure About Friends

1. Friends should not make you feel bad about yourself or your decisions. While they are not required to agree with you, they should be able to separate you from your choices and they should be supportive of you. For example, I might not want my friend to move across the country to another state, but I know it is what is best for her and I want nothing more than to see her successful and happy.
2. Friends should not like you "even though..." They should not like you even though you are a Cubs fan and they should not like you even though you are a different ethnicity. If you have a friend who makes you feel like you are cool even though you are black or even though you are white, they are not your friend.
3. Expectations for friends should be based on what individuals have to offer and not just on what we need personally.
4. Friends should help you move. They should carry boxes or help you pack. They should bring by some beer or sandwiches. Or they should bring people with them who can do those things.
5. You should never have to wonder if your friend is going to be true to his or her word. Friends should be dependable.
6. Selfishness cannot enter the friendship equation at any time. Your needs can never be greater than those of your friends and your friend should not put his or her needs above yours all the time. Friendship is a two way street that is much more enjoyable to pass over when the two parties put each other first.
7. Speaking of putting each other first... If you are the doer, the planner, the payer, the giver, the mover, the shaker and your friend is the benefactor, you don't have a friendship. Friends to not take advantage of one another.
8. Some friendships with last a lifetime. And some are just for a season. If you are really lucky, you will reunite with some of those seasonal friends and make them lifelong friends.
9. You don't have to talk to each other EVERY day in order to be friends. Some of the best friends you will ever have are the ones you see every two or three months.
10. You have to BE a good friend to HAVE a good friend. However, sometimes we spend inordinate time and effort on a person who is just not capable of returning the love. When that happens, instead of pushing the issue, just move on. Don't let a friendship rescue mission distract you from the real people around you who love you.

Finding Freedom Day 37: Words of Wisdom

I am a quote hunter. No matter the situation, the feeling, the problem, I like to look for words of wisdom from others to inspire me. Today's question was, "What are some words of wisdom from others that you look to for inspiration?" Well, there are a lot but... here is a short list. I hope you are inspired too.

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 

"If you fade into silent collusion and you don't stand up, and you don't speak up, you have missed the mark as a human being." - Dr. Joanna Adams

"Creativity is intelligence having fun." - Albert Einstein 

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." - John Barrymore

"Be with someone who can take care of you. Not someone who can provide materially... but someone who can take care of your soul." -unknown

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou 

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Ghandi

"Always leave people better than you found them. Hug the hurt. Kiss the broken. Befriend the lost. Love the lonely."  - unknown

"Be open to learning new lessons even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday." - Ellen Degeneres

"Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life, because you become what you believe." - Oprah Winfrey

Finding Freedom Day 40: Questions No One Ever Asks

Because I LOVE lists, I was thrilled to have "100 Questions No One Ever Asks" submitted by a friend of mine. I picked 45, in honor of my upcoming birthday. 

1. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Absolutely.
2. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? I sleep all tucked in like a burrito.
3. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Yes. In high school, my friends Julie and Tim and I swiped a HUGE sign. Go big or go home.
4. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Yes. By the time I think to use them, they are expired. 
5. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? I need more time to consider this. Clearly I am not running... or climbing anything... unless there is an inordinate burst of adrenaline pushing my big tail out of the way. Are my chances of survival greater with the bees? I'd like to phone a friend.
6. Do you always smile for pictures? Yes.
7. What is your biggest pet peeve? Selfishness... don't get me started.
8. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? My iPhone actually does that for me.
9. Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes. I have also peed on the side of the highway but that's a conversation for later.
10. What about pooped in the woods? No. I don't camp either so the likelihood of this ever happening is like... none.
11. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? All the time.
12. What is your Song of the week? Bieber... I have been stung by the Bieber bug... I CANNOT STOP listening to him. I am ashamed and excited all at once. LOVE YOURSELF by the Biebs is my song of the week.
13. 19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? So many guys look great in Pink. I think it is flattering for all skin tones too. WEAR PINK. And not just in October.
14. Do you still watch cartoons? No. 
15. Whats your least favorite movie? At this moment, it is The Hateful Eight. Quentin Tarantino is so gross.
16. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?  In my bra, with my phone and my tiny airplane bottles of liquor.
17. What do you drink with dinner? Water or wine. Unless Jesus is there and then water and wine are pretty much the same thing.
18. What is your favorite food? Fries. A GIANT pile of fried potatoes is the way to my heart, even if it is also the way to a heart attack.
19. What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Hope Floats and The Bodyguard
20. Last person you kissed/kissed you? This might be a violation of privacy for the other party BUT people kiss me all the time on the cheek. :)
21. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? um... no. I was too busy playing sports.
22. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?  LOL... If I had the body, I would have absolutely stripped for cash at amateur night at least once. Sorry I can't lie!
23. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? December. I write to one of my former students all the time.
24. Can you change the oil on a car? No. But apparently I have sisters who can. I did NOT get that gene.
25. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Twice. One in Webster Groves for going 13 MPH over the limit and once on the highway for driving like... 100 through St. James, MO.
26. Ever ran out of gas? No, but I have come close MANY times.
27. What is your usual bedtime? Midnight
28. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? My favorite was a giant box that looked like dice. So clever.
29. How many languages can you speak? I speak 3: English, sarcasm and I am fluent in cursing a blue streak. I also know when I am being spoken badly of in Spanish...
30. Which are better Lego's or Lincoln logs? Lego's! (According to my nephew...)
31. Are you stubborn? Not at all. (*rolls eyes*) I am when it comes to certain things. I like to get my way and I tend to... make that happen.
32. Are you afraid of heights? Not typically. 
33. Do you sing in the car? I always sing, what’s your question?
34. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No! I was in my first musical when I was 9 and my last in my 20s. I would do it again now if I have the time and the right situation presented itself.
35. Is Christmas stressful? Yes, but not because of the gift buying or giving or the food prep. :)
36. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. I lived with a ghost, fondly called Roger, in my apartment on Pernod.
37. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes. ALL THE TIME.
38. First concert? Survivor at Six Flags
39. Nike or Adidas? Nike.
40. Ever take dance lessons? Yes. I took ballet and tap. 
41. Can you curl your tongue? Yes.
42. Are you patient? I wasn't Then I prayed for patience. (*rolls eyes again) I have since learned to be patient and to NEVER pray for patience again. 
43. What's your favorite color? Red or black
44. Do you want kids? Absolutely. I feel like my time might be running out but I would like to adopt someday soon if I can't have kids.
45. Do you want to get married? Yes, I would love to get married and stay married. How much fun would that be? 

This was a lot of fun! Feel free to respond to any of the questions  or give your two cents in the comments!

Finding Freedom Day 41: Remember Me

Today's question came from a former coworker. Because it is the day we celebrate the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I thought this question was appropriate. If tomorrow was to be your last day on earth, what would you want to be remembered for? What advice would you leave behind?

There really isn't much to say that hasn't already been said. Is there? And, in truth, advice is just an opinion until someone takes it. But, in my lifetime, I hope to be an example of these things:

1. Be happy for each other.
2. Be selfless at least once a day. It will be good for everyone.
3. A wise man once told me you should never loan what you don't have to donate. This has been life saving advice. So, never loan anything you need back.
4. Do whatever it takes to help others be successful.
5. Don't put your dreams on hold. Chase them vigorously, without ceasing until they are fulfilled.
6. Let other people love you.
7. Don't withhold your love from others, even if it ends up hurting you.
8. Remember that even small decisions impact the world around you.
9. Be adventurous. Step out of your box just a little bit every once in a while.
10. Make an effort to get to know people who are vastly different from you. Fill your circle with them.
11. Don't apologize unless you mean it.
12. In fact, don't say anything unless you mean it.
13. Forgive.
14. Stop waiting for apologies you will never get.
15. Move on. Move up. And then turn around and pull someone else up with you.
16. Get a dog. But only if you will love that creature like a member of your family.
17. Travel. See things you never dreamed of and commit them to memory, not just to your camera card.
18. Bathe in cultural experiences. Read a book by a Latino author, eat Vietnamese food, attend a Pow Wow, watch a Iranian film. Do this and more. Then repeat until different is normal.
19. Rather than judging others, just admit you don't understand.
20. Hug it out. You can never have enough hugs and neither can they. Hug family and friends and coworkers and strangers. No words necessary.

I am sure as time passes the list will grow and evolve. But if I can be an example of any of these things to those around me I will have done my job.

Finding Freedom Day 42: Love Yourself

Since I just wrote about the five ways to win my heart, I thought I would keep the love mojo going for day 42. The question posed was, "If you could say one thing to all of your exes, what would it be?" This inquiry made me laugh a little. I cried a little too.

I've been around a while but I had to think about what constitutes an ex. Does someone you dated six or eight times over the course of a few months count as an ex? Or is an ex someone with whom you shared a great deal of time? What are the requirements to qualify as someone's ex?

For me, an ex is someone with whom I was intimate emotionally, physically, or mentally. An ex is someone who got a glimpse of my soul in one way or another.

When I think about each of those people and what I would like to say to them, I kind of return to the same thing over and over. I don't hate any of them even though we may have parted in a less than friendly manner. I don't want any of them back even though nearly every one of them was incredibly hot. (It's true.) I would like to say I wish them all well but... I kind of just want to stay out of it.

Never in my life did I think I would ever love a song by Justin Bieber much less leave my dirty work to him but I do and I am. To all my exes, I would say, "Maybe you should go and love yourself." It's the one thing I know for sure they were all really good at doing.

Finding Freedom: Let's get started!

For the next 45 days, I will be blogging in preparation for my 45th birthday. I have asked friends and colleagues to submit questions for me to answer so I will cover a variety of topics. There is still time to ask your question or suggest your topic though! Just comment below or send me a message.

In 2011, I ventured out on the same mission: to capture the last days before I turned the big 4-0. The preparation led to what might be the best year of my life. The excitement, adventure, and fulfilling experiences have not since been surpassed.

So let's get this started! 45 days of blogging... It will not be easy! But we are in this together, right?

Happy reading!