Finding Freedom, Day 1: 45 Things to Know on My 45th Birthday

I wish I had written this list in advance, allowing it to compile itself over the 45 days leading up to my birthday. But because I am the best at procrastinating, I decided to wait. I planned to wait until the end of the day ON my birthday to write it. However, last night was a disaster so I came home and went straight to bed. I woke up this morning at my usual time (some time between 5 and 6AM), with a bloody nose, ate some leftover home made mac and cheese, prayed, let the dog out, and thought long and hard about my life. I wish I had written this list in advance. Because now... I am feeling a little more jaded than hopeful.

Good things happened yesterday. My beautiful, smart Goddaughter, who is excelling in her career and well on her way to an amazing story-filled life, called the shop where my car was being fixed and made a payment on the work. What an amazing blessing when you are facing a $422 bill on your birthday. My sister and my three besties (Tiffany, Diane & Craig) were true to their roles in my life and offered beautiful birthday wishes and support. Facebook rocked. If I had to pick only one reason to love Facebook, it would be my birthday when almost 200 people send a note my way every year.

No matter how old you are, you create expectations for your birthday. With the exception of my 40th, my expectations have been relatively the same. I don't want a big deal. Just dinner with friends. Nothing wild and crazy. And that's how it has been. Sometimes routine is what is best. I understand why some people just stay in their corner of the world and refuse to venture out. Last night was a disaster. I planned a month ago to go to a trivia night with coworkers. Life is hectic for the ones I am closest to so I thought I would do something safe. The first people I saw were my ex friends. When I overcame the moment of panic that accompanied that, a domino of bizarre, eighth-grade-type events began to unfold and I ended up leaving. It was likely the worst birthday I have had since I turned 30. (Thirty was the last time I tried to live outside of my typical birthday box.)

So, I cried a little. I told a few people to kindly fuck off. And I immediately regretted nearly every decision I have made in the last month. That is going to color this list a bit and for that, I apologize. But, here it goes:

1. I am all an all-in person. I don't half ass my relationships no matter what kind of relationships they are. I give everything I've got.
2. While it appears as if I trust too easily, I am really just giving people the opportunity to screw up so I can cut them off. I don't truly trust many.
3. It makes me uncomfortable when others advocate for me. While I am not the first person to stand up for myself, I don't trust what anyone else might say. I would rather speak for myself. (If you are going to quote me, you should quote me exactly.)
4. I am not easy to love. Loving me requires work, jumping through a few hoops even. I am completely aware of this and sometimes I feel bad about it but, as cliche as it sounds, I am expecting you to leave. So, if you are planning to stay, I need to you to show me.
5. I could eat mac and cheese or Mexican food three times a day. There is not a moment in life when cheesy noodles or tacos doesn't sound like a good idea.
6. The same goes for cupcakes. I will eat them for breakfast, take one for the road and chow down on a third an hour later. 
7. That said, I don't like being fat. I am uncomfortable sometimes. I know my heart can't take it and I am pretty sure I am almost diabetic, if not already. There is some work to be done.
8. I don't have time for people who try to make me feel stupid. Support is not degrading another person for their mistakes. It's not "I told you so."
9. When I feel stupid because of the "brave" efforts of someone else, I will make someone's life miserable or hurt someone with my words.
10. I also don't have time for selfishness. I don't expect everyone to charge full boar into a relationship but if the last thing you do is think of others, you should happily keep walking in a direction that is far away from me.
11. I like dogs more than people.
12. Weather changes are difficult for me. They affect my body in the worst way but they also affect my mood.
13. I believe in the power of a full moon. (Which explains why last night was so completely fucked up.)
14. I curse. A lot. And I am not sorry.
15. My recurring dreams are about losing my teeth, having contacts that are so oddly shaped I can't fit them into my eyes, and that I am being stalked by lions.
16. I used to see a psychic a few times a year. I know some people thinks that's demonic but you are entitled to your opinion. You are also free to pray for my deliverance.
17. I walk my dog twice a day. Three times on the weekends.
18. I have dog mom guilt. I cannot leave her for too long and if I go a day without walking her, I feel like a jerk.
19. I don't believe everyone should have a dog. Leaving a dog alone for twelve hours a day is the equivalent of chaining him to a tree. 
20. I have strong opinions that go beyond pet ownership. This is not a surprise to most people.
21. For years, I have wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Others laugh at me or tell me how dumb that is all the time. Most of those people have never been pregnant.
22. I hate that I am turning 45. It is the first birthday that I have absolutely despised. 
23. I am afraid I am going to die soon. My grandparents on my birth mom's side died in their 50s from heart attacks.
24. Some days, I wish I had never looked up my adoption records. I am so grateful to have met most of my family members but it was a decision that altered the course of my life dramatically and that destroyed some of my family relationships too.
25. I wish that people would look as deeply inside me as I do them.
26. If I could do three things today, I would get a massage, get a pedicure and make out with Dwayne Johnson. (The real Dwayne Johnson)
27. I love to cook and every week, I try a new recipe. 
28. I used to love to bake. I don't know what made me stop. I might have to examine that a little bit. 
29. I am in more debt now than I have ever been. My career transition and the subsequent cut in pay might be what causes that heart attack I am worried about...
30. I would like to move out of the state.
31. I would love to teach on a reservation. 
32. There are days when I think it might be best for me to just stop speaking. Permanently.
33. I have never been suicidal but I think about running away all of the time.
34. I love fresh flowers. When I had money, I bought them every week at the Farmer's Market. I used to buy them for my project management teams too. 
35. If I tell you that I love you, I mean it. It is not always a phrase of intimacy for me. In fact, that's probably when I say it the least. 
36. I feel every emotion deeply and profoundly. 
37. I sometimes feel weighed down by what others are going through and it is paralyzing for me.
38. I often think that this life is not the one I was meant to live. Like I was switched at birth or got caught up in a parallel universe.
39. Diet Dr. Pepper is probably slowly killing me but I can't stop drinking it.
40. I miss traveling.
41. I also miss having my own space.
42. While I willingly care for others, feeling like I am the only one who has to take care of everyone else makes me angry. And I actually find myself hating people who don't take care of their families because it seems wrong and it seems unfair.
43. I am already feeling done with 2016. 
44. I plan to spend this year getting my books published and working on a few things that will be for my benefit alone.
45. Forty-five completely sucks so far. I do not recommend it.

Finding Freedom, Day 9: What Women Want

What do women really want? I hate to try to speak for all women but one of the luxuries of being in your forties is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt what you really want.

Like my profile says, in our twenties most of us spend the bulk of our time trying to make others love us. In our thirties, we launch our journeys toward truly loving ourselves. In our forties we have it figured out and we can just love. So I would break it down for the lovers of women like this:

Women in their twenties want love and affection in every respect of the words. There is a craving in mind, body and spirit to be accepted. Criticism of our intelligence or our bodies or our dreams can be as impactful as a bullet. We need constant reassurance that we are beautiful, that our relationship is fine, that you are not going anywhere and that anything can happen if we just keep working toward our goals. We need support. We need the utmost patience as we work through a decade of our lives when we are told we are supposed to finally be adults and we long for total independence but we are still shedding our inner little girl. If you are a man who loves a women in her twenties, you must know that it won't be easy. But you should also know that it will be worth it if you stick it out.

Women in their thirties possess in inner wildness and exuberance that makes them nearly unstoppable. They have discovered their hidden talents, their keys to success, their ability to make stuff happen. To challenge their power is futile. To embrace it is smart. To encourage it is brave and will definitely benefit you in many ways. If you are a man who loves a woman in her thirties, you must know that she is about to set the world on fire. She has plans and it is in your best interest to be along for the ride and not in her way. She needs a different kind of support. She says what she means and means what she says. Don't not be afraid of her. She comes across as not needing you or as wanting to take care of herself but she wants to know that you can be there and care for her if she decides that's what she wants. Love her strongly and firmly and committedly. (Yes, that's a new word.)

Women in their forties are ready to live an uncomplicated life. That is not to say they want what is easy but anything that feels like the drama and struggle of their twenties or to massive effort of her thirties, she will stop listening to you and stop looking at you no matter how intensely beautiful you are. Forty-something women want a man of equal intelligence, not necessarily equal education. They want a man of equal passion for whatever it is she is passionate about or a man who will acquire that same passion. They want to be cared for and cared about and deeply loved. They still want to be told they are loved but they want, even more, to feel loved consistently and constantly. They want limited autonomy but that small space of solitude is important to them. If you are a man who loves a woman in her forties, you must be a man in every sense of the traditional role of protecting and providing. You must always bring 100% of yourself to the table because she will do the same.

Every woman has a different list of what she wants and what she needs. The true key to figuring that out is just to pay attention. Watch. Listen. Remember.

Finding Freedom, Day 13: I Love My Dog

Michele might be a crazy dog lady. It's true. I try not to be too crazy but I can't help it. I love my dog more than most humans. She is my person sometimes. She is the only one who will listen to me go on and on about whatever happens to be on my mind at the moment or who will sit by me while I cry it out for hours. Some people might find that to be really sad but I think it's neat. I have a dog who follows me around, always has her eye on me, and would take a hand off of anyone who tried to hurt me. I love my dog.

Here are some other things about me and my dog that might make you crazy too.

1. My dog eats what I eat. My Purina friends will lose their minds when they hear this but I do supplement my pups' diet of pizza and steak and chicken and potatoes with Beyond brand dog food. 
2. I talk to my dog like she is a child. I don't use baby talk but I do get super happy and excited.
3. We have talks about her poops. Today, for example, she walked me in circles for twenty minutes before she popped a squat for a tiny poop. Unacceptable.
4. We have ice cream together once a week. 
5. My dog takes up more space in the bed than I do.
6. I swore I would never dress her up and I have never been crazy about Halloween but she gets a costume every year. She also has an adorable red winter coat.
7. She brings me her leash when she needs to go outside. 
8. When I tell her to grab her blanket, she will scour the house until she finds it and bring it to me. Yes, she has her own blanket.
9. There are only two people she is more excited to see than me. They are my mom and my nephew. But I could be gone for fifteen minutes and she greets me like I have been gone for a week. There is nothing like it!
10. She is mean. I don't know what I did to make her that way but I don't trust her with strangers. But I get really upset when other people say she is mean.
11. I keep a box of dog treats on the floor next to her bowls and she helps herself to a couple whenever she feels like it. When the box starts to get empty, She knocks it over and rips out the side for easier access.
12. I think my dog is smarter than most people I know. No offense.
13. We go almost everywhere together. My dog rides shotgun more often than anyone. 
14. If I have a day with no plan at all, I spend it with my dog.
15. A long walk in Forest Park and a trip to PetSmart with my girl makes for a great day.
16. Sometimes, she sits and stares at me and I feel like she has a thousand things to tell me but she can't.
17. When she looks sad, I feel sad. Then I spend whatever amount of time is necessary until her ears perk up.
18. I don't say goodbye to her in the morning because I can't handle her puppy dog eyes.
19. When I travel, I call home so I can talk to her.
20. Someday my prince might come but he is going to have to woo my dog too.

Finding Freedom, Day 14 : Love Each Other

While it seems a trite concept to many or too hippy to others, I believe the answer to most of our problems is simply love. It seems too simple to be the answer to a world filled with conflict. Yet most divisions come on the heels of the inability to understand. Our struggle to wrap our brains around the normal of others creates a barrier for sincere acceptance.

But as human beings, we are not called to understand completely the choices or the desires of others. We are not expected to accept the decisions of others or to be ok with everything they do. We are not charged with knowing the intricate workings of every fabric of every human being around us.

We are simply called to love and not judge. That's it.

Love one another. Love as you would want to be loved. Judge not lest ye be judged. You know the sayings and the scriptures. You know the golden rule.

So why, on a day that is supposed to be all about love, don't we just try to do that. Love without explanation or expectation. Open your mind to the idea that sameness of thought or idea or belief is not a requirement for us to love each other. Then open your heart to give and receive unconditionally.

Happy Love Day.

Finding Freedom, Day 29: Wanting to Matter

On a daily basis, I make a conscious effort to be grateful. Some days are more difficult than others. Some days, in spite of the amazing experiences I have had and the relatively full life I have lead, I struggle to move beyond what I don't have or what I haven't experienced. And some days, I feel like I don't matter. On those days in particular, it is difficult to be grateful.

Yesterday I saw a quote that said, "Some people aren't looking for attention. Some are looking for reassurance that they matter and that someone will treat them as if they exist again." Reading it a time or two, I thought, yes. That is me. On the outside, because of many situations I am in, it may seem as if I thrive on the attention of others when in reality all I want is to matter to someone.

People might argue that I do matter. But to be loved by others and to feel like you matter are two completely different things.

Throughout my life, it has been my responsibility to care for those around me. In my first career, I had to get things done and keep everyone happy and productive in the process. As a teacher, the children come first whether I am creating a lesson or we have some sort of emergency drill. In my personal life, I have always been the doting partner, who worked to create an environment in which my man could be successful and happy. In my family, I am the planner, the doer, the caretaker. Among friends, I am the planner and the doer. If I am not planning and doing, my phone does not ring most of the time.

It sounds like WOE IS ME. But I am not feeling sorry for myself. I LOVE to be the planner and the doer and the caretaker who looks out for others and puts others first. It brings me great joy. But some days, I want to feel like I am the one who is important, who is the focus of attention, who is the ONE who matters to someone else.

Some days, I want to be the one called and not the one calling. I want to be the one cared for and not the one doing the caring. Some days, I want to be the one deciding and not the one who just goes along with what everyone else wants and I want everyone else to just not complain when I try to make a decision. Some days, I want to come first. I don't want to take a backseat to the dreams and goals, and quite frankly the needs of everyone else. I want to be the friend who matters to someone else. I want to be the girl who matters to the guy. I want to be the one whose opinion is important and whose advice is heeded and who is actually thanked sometimes.

The funny thing is... I started thinking about this the other day at work when one of my coworkers demonstrated that she heard me in a conversation weeks ago. She was working toward helping me get something that would really make me happy. She heard me and it mattered.

I drove home that day thinking, "that was really cool."

Finding Freedom Day 40: Questions No One Ever Asks

Because I LOVE lists, I was thrilled to have "100 Questions No One Ever Asks" submitted by a friend of mine. I picked 45, in honor of my upcoming birthday. 

1. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Absolutely.
2. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? I sleep all tucked in like a burrito.
3. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Yes. In high school, my friends Julie and Tim and I swiped a HUGE sign. Go big or go home.
4. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Yes. By the time I think to use them, they are expired. 
5. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? I need more time to consider this. Clearly I am not running... or climbing anything... unless there is an inordinate burst of adrenaline pushing my big tail out of the way. Are my chances of survival greater with the bees? I'd like to phone a friend.
6. Do you always smile for pictures? Yes.
7. What is your biggest pet peeve? Selfishness... don't get me started.
8. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? My iPhone actually does that for me.
9. Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes. I have also peed on the side of the highway but that's a conversation for later.
10. What about pooped in the woods? No. I don't camp either so the likelihood of this ever happening is like... none.
11. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? All the time.
12. What is your Song of the week? Bieber... I have been stung by the Bieber bug... I CANNOT STOP listening to him. I am ashamed and excited all at once. LOVE YOURSELF by the Biebs is my song of the week.
13. 19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? So many guys look great in Pink. I think it is flattering for all skin tones too. WEAR PINK. And not just in October.
14. Do you still watch cartoons? No. 
15. Whats your least favorite movie? At this moment, it is The Hateful Eight. Quentin Tarantino is so gross.
16. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?  In my bra, with my phone and my tiny airplane bottles of liquor.
17. What do you drink with dinner? Water or wine. Unless Jesus is there and then water and wine are pretty much the same thing.
18. What is your favorite food? Fries. A GIANT pile of fried potatoes is the way to my heart, even if it is also the way to a heart attack.
19. What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Hope Floats and The Bodyguard
20. Last person you kissed/kissed you? This might be a violation of privacy for the other party BUT people kiss me all the time on the cheek. :)
21. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? um... no. I was too busy playing sports.
22. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?  LOL... If I had the body, I would have absolutely stripped for cash at amateur night at least once. Sorry I can't lie!
23. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? December. I write to one of my former students all the time.
24. Can you change the oil on a car? No. But apparently I have sisters who can. I did NOT get that gene.
25. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Twice. One in Webster Groves for going 13 MPH over the limit and once on the highway for driving like... 100 through St. James, MO.
26. Ever ran out of gas? No, but I have come close MANY times.
27. What is your usual bedtime? Midnight
28. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? My favorite was a giant box that looked like dice. So clever.
29. How many languages can you speak? I speak 3: English, sarcasm and I am fluent in cursing a blue streak. I also know when I am being spoken badly of in Spanish...
30. Which are better Lego's or Lincoln logs? Lego's! (According to my nephew...)
31. Are you stubborn? Not at all. (*rolls eyes*) I am when it comes to certain things. I like to get my way and I tend to... make that happen.
32. Are you afraid of heights? Not typically. 
33. Do you sing in the car? I always sing, what’s your question?
34. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No! I was in my first musical when I was 9 and my last in my 20s. I would do it again now if I have the time and the right situation presented itself.
35. Is Christmas stressful? Yes, but not because of the gift buying or giving or the food prep. :)
36. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. I lived with a ghost, fondly called Roger, in my apartment on Pernod.
37. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes. ALL THE TIME.
38. First concert? Survivor at Six Flags
39. Nike or Adidas? Nike.
40. Ever take dance lessons? Yes. I took ballet and tap. 
41. Can you curl your tongue? Yes.
42. Are you patient? I wasn't Then I prayed for patience. (*rolls eyes again) I have since learned to be patient and to NEVER pray for patience again. 
43. What's your favorite color? Red or black
44. Do you want kids? Absolutely. I feel like my time might be running out but I would like to adopt someday soon if I can't have kids.
45. Do you want to get married? Yes, I would love to get married and stay married. How much fun would that be? 

This was a lot of fun! Feel free to respond to any of the questions  or give your two cents in the comments!

Finding Freedom Day 43: What are Five Ways to Win Your Heart?

Winning my heart is simpler than it might seem. I love love. And while I have not been as good at letting others love me as I have at loving them, it just took me a little longer than most to be open to more than just the idea.

That said, if I had to pick just five ways to win my heart, they would be...

1. Let me know you are thinking of me.

Honestly, constant communication makes me crazy. I don't need or expect anyone to check in with me but it would be nice if I knew you were thinking of me once in a while. A text revealing that even though you just came off the golf course with your boys, I crossed your mind or that you've been thinking of me while you are at work is cute. I really like that kind of thing. It is not contrived. It is not manipulated. Just out of the blue, you tell me that you think of me when I am not around.

2. Let me know that you hear me.

I am not the only woman in the world who appreciates a man who remembers the little things that come up in conversation. Women are a lot easier to figure out when a man just listens. In between the lines live the juicy details, the clues to understanding her and probably one of the keys to her heart.

3. Love other people.

Watching you love others, care for others, and do your part to make the world a better place will cause my heart to dance. I won't be able to stop thinking about you. It's true. On the flip side, selfishness is the quickest route out of my life. I can't do the selfishness thing...

4. Make time for me.

People always say that a man who is interested in you will make time for you. Well, duh. However, just like I am not the kind of person who has to be in constant communication with someone, I also don't need to be with someone every hour of the day or every day of the week. I love it when a guy has his own interests, great friends with whom he loves to spend time and a life he enjoys. But... I need a little time now and then. Make time for me.

5. Just show up.

Women frequently and unrealistically expect men to be mind readers. While I know that it is crazy to think that the man who wins my heart will just "know" when I need him to be there, I kind of just need a man who will show up. Show up at my house with a bottle of wine after a really crappy day. Show up at the gym and cheer for my volleyball players as vigorously as I do. Show up at the birthday party that I really don't want to go to without you. Show up when you are tired. Show up when I'm crabby. Just show up. You don't have to say a word. Just be there.

Putting this out there scares me to death. But I am grateful for the person who asked. Now you know... Let the heart winning begin!