- The insensitivity of others rarely surprises me. On a daily basis, I witness the fine line that separates selfishness and insensitivity.
- Saturday Night Live no longer surprises me. It is awful. Almost. Always.
- The center of a tootsie pop is not nearly as fun as it was when I was 5 years old. I don't care how many licks it takes. I am just going to make up a number and bite that sucker in half to get to the tootsie roll as soon as possible.
- Not surprised when I come home and the wine is GONE. Completely gone.
- There are three people in my life who only call me when they need money. When their numbers pop up on my caller ID, I like to answer and say, "Hey! What's going on? Haven't heard from you in a while..." as if I don't know the answer.
- Every time a guy thinks I am interested in him because I am nice to him, I sigh. Are you hot? Yes. Are you funny? Absolutely. Are you gainfully employed? Indeed. Did I smile at you? Yep. Laugh at your jokes? Of course. You are funny after all. Am I impressed by your interesting career choice? Incredibly. Does all of this add up to me wanting you? No. Stop it. I might even compliment you on your obvious beauty. I am just a nice person. Get over yourself.
- Sometimes when I am tired, I say aloud, "Man I am tired." If my dad is within earshot, he responds, "Go to bed!" EVERY. TIME.
- I actually build in time for my students to do their homework IN CLASS the day that it is due because they don't do their homework. If I ever came to class and they all had their homework complete and ready to turn in, I would probably have a heart attack which would totally ruin the potential for a surprise.
- I don't even cry any more when a 64-year-old man contacts me via an online dating site.
- I've been fired a few times. Once I brought boxes to work the morning that they let me go. When the less-than-adequate employee from human resources came to ask if I needed a box to pack up, I said, "No, I brought my own." I thought she was going to pass out.
- I am never surprised when the guy who does my oil change tries to tell me I need another $1000 in repairs. I usually just give him the ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND look and he backs down.
- Any time I get a compliment or a pat on the back for nearly anything, I fully expect someone to make some smartass comment or to pitch a fit because he or she never got any credit for a similar act of brilliance. Please feel free to completely destroy the moment.
- Relationship failure. I know it's coming. I don't even try to prolong it any more. It's a shame I never became adept at marrying wealthy old men.
- The guy who decides at the last minute to MERGE on the highway does not surprise me. I know it is not an accident sir. It is not an OOPS moment. You knew two miles ago that you were going to have to get in my lane but you pretended like you didn't all the way until your lane ran out and now you expect me to let you in. Well, I have a surprise for you: I'm not going to do it. Especially if you have a Jesus fish on the back of your car. (That is a conversation for later.)
- I am not surprised when people tell me they are pregnant or engaged or getting divorced. For some reason I have always had a sense about things like that.
Would I like to be surprised? I think I might. For many years, I said, "Please do not surprise me. It makes me uncomfortable." I wouldn't want to receive bad news as a surprise. For example, I would want anyone to break up with me on TV or tell me something potentially devastating in front of a large crowd. But I would LOVE it if Ellen would surprise me at work and give me $20,000 from Target or $50,000 from Shutterfly to help me pay my bills and buy fun stuff for my class, like field trips. I would also be okay with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson showing up on my birthday with a cake, ready to celebrate with me.
How about you? Are you easily surprised? Or nah?
