Heading Home

Today's blog posts were the last for the FINDING FREEDOM platform. I am not sure how much freedom I found but I did have the opportunity to explore many different topics. Now that my birthday has passed, I will be heading home to my original blog.

Join me here for future blogs: http://michelesingsit.blogspot.com/

And thank you for reading!

Michele

Finding Freedom, Day 1: 45 Things to Know on My 45th Birthday

I wish I had written this list in advance, allowing it to compile itself over the 45 days leading up to my birthday. But because I am the best at procrastinating, I decided to wait. I planned to wait until the end of the day ON my birthday to write it. However, last night was a disaster so I came home and went straight to bed. I woke up this morning at my usual time (some time between 5 and 6AM), with a bloody nose, ate some leftover home made mac and cheese, prayed, let the dog out, and thought long and hard about my life. I wish I had written this list in advance. Because now... I am feeling a little more jaded than hopeful.

Good things happened yesterday. My beautiful, smart Goddaughter, who is excelling in her career and well on her way to an amazing story-filled life, called the shop where my car was being fixed and made a payment on the work. What an amazing blessing when you are facing a $422 bill on your birthday. My sister and my three besties (Tiffany, Diane & Craig) were true to their roles in my life and offered beautiful birthday wishes and support. Facebook rocked. If I had to pick only one reason to love Facebook, it would be my birthday when almost 200 people send a note my way every year.

No matter how old you are, you create expectations for your birthday. With the exception of my 40th, my expectations have been relatively the same. I don't want a big deal. Just dinner with friends. Nothing wild and crazy. And that's how it has been. Sometimes routine is what is best. I understand why some people just stay in their corner of the world and refuse to venture out. Last night was a disaster. I planned a month ago to go to a trivia night with coworkers. Life is hectic for the ones I am closest to so I thought I would do something safe. The first people I saw were my ex friends. When I overcame the moment of panic that accompanied that, a domino of bizarre, eighth-grade-type events began to unfold and I ended up leaving. It was likely the worst birthday I have had since I turned 30. (Thirty was the last time I tried to live outside of my typical birthday box.)

So, I cried a little. I told a few people to kindly fuck off. And I immediately regretted nearly every decision I have made in the last month. That is going to color this list a bit and for that, I apologize. But, here it goes:

1. I am all an all-in person. I don't half ass my relationships no matter what kind of relationships they are. I give everything I've got.
2. While it appears as if I trust too easily, I am really just giving people the opportunity to screw up so I can cut them off. I don't truly trust many.
3. It makes me uncomfortable when others advocate for me. While I am not the first person to stand up for myself, I don't trust what anyone else might say. I would rather speak for myself. (If you are going to quote me, you should quote me exactly.)
4. I am not easy to love. Loving me requires work, jumping through a few hoops even. I am completely aware of this and sometimes I feel bad about it but, as cliche as it sounds, I am expecting you to leave. So, if you are planning to stay, I need to you to show me.
5. I could eat mac and cheese or Mexican food three times a day. There is not a moment in life when cheesy noodles or tacos doesn't sound like a good idea.
6. The same goes for cupcakes. I will eat them for breakfast, take one for the road and chow down on a third an hour later. 
7. That said, I don't like being fat. I am uncomfortable sometimes. I know my heart can't take it and I am pretty sure I am almost diabetic, if not already. There is some work to be done.
8. I don't have time for people who try to make me feel stupid. Support is not degrading another person for their mistakes. It's not "I told you so."
9. When I feel stupid because of the "brave" efforts of someone else, I will make someone's life miserable or hurt someone with my words.
10. I also don't have time for selfishness. I don't expect everyone to charge full boar into a relationship but if the last thing you do is think of others, you should happily keep walking in a direction that is far away from me.
11. I like dogs more than people.
12. Weather changes are difficult for me. They affect my body in the worst way but they also affect my mood.
13. I believe in the power of a full moon. (Which explains why last night was so completely fucked up.)
14. I curse. A lot. And I am not sorry.
15. My recurring dreams are about losing my teeth, having contacts that are so oddly shaped I can't fit them into my eyes, and that I am being stalked by lions.
16. I used to see a psychic a few times a year. I know some people thinks that's demonic but you are entitled to your opinion. You are also free to pray for my deliverance.
17. I walk my dog twice a day. Three times on the weekends.
18. I have dog mom guilt. I cannot leave her for too long and if I go a day without walking her, I feel like a jerk.
19. I don't believe everyone should have a dog. Leaving a dog alone for twelve hours a day is the equivalent of chaining him to a tree. 
20. I have strong opinions that go beyond pet ownership. This is not a surprise to most people.
21. For years, I have wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Others laugh at me or tell me how dumb that is all the time. Most of those people have never been pregnant.
22. I hate that I am turning 45. It is the first birthday that I have absolutely despised. 
23. I am afraid I am going to die soon. My grandparents on my birth mom's side died in their 50s from heart attacks.
24. Some days, I wish I had never looked up my adoption records. I am so grateful to have met most of my family members but it was a decision that altered the course of my life dramatically and that destroyed some of my family relationships too.
25. I wish that people would look as deeply inside me as I do them.
26. If I could do three things today, I would get a massage, get a pedicure and make out with Dwayne Johnson. (The real Dwayne Johnson)
27. I love to cook and every week, I try a new recipe. 
28. I used to love to bake. I don't know what made me stop. I might have to examine that a little bit. 
29. I am in more debt now than I have ever been. My career transition and the subsequent cut in pay might be what causes that heart attack I am worried about...
30. I would like to move out of the state.
31. I would love to teach on a reservation. 
32. There are days when I think it might be best for me to just stop speaking. Permanently.
33. I have never been suicidal but I think about running away all of the time.
34. I love fresh flowers. When I had money, I bought them every week at the Farmer's Market. I used to buy them for my project management teams too. 
35. If I tell you that I love you, I mean it. It is not always a phrase of intimacy for me. In fact, that's probably when I say it the least. 
36. I feel every emotion deeply and profoundly. 
37. I sometimes feel weighed down by what others are going through and it is paralyzing for me.
38. I often think that this life is not the one I was meant to live. Like I was switched at birth or got caught up in a parallel universe.
39. Diet Dr. Pepper is probably slowly killing me but I can't stop drinking it.
40. I miss traveling.
41. I also miss having my own space.
42. While I willingly care for others, feeling like I am the only one who has to take care of everyone else makes me angry. And I actually find myself hating people who don't take care of their families because it seems wrong and it seems unfair.
43. I am already feeling done with 2016. 
44. I plan to spend this year getting my books published and working on a few things that will be for my benefit alone.
45. Forty-five completely sucks so far. I do not recommend it.

Finding Freedom, Day 2: Inspiring Women

My hopes and dreams as a child were not very big. Because I never fully grasped the notion that possibilities are endless, I didn't chase what seemed impossible. With age comes wisdom, however, and I quickly learned that I could become great at anything but one of the keys to doing so was to surround myself with inspiring women, women who could teach me and guide me and lead me in the right direction.

It is dangerous to try to list every woman who has inspired me along the way because I know that I will forget someone and I would hate to overlook any of the amazing women who have poured into my life. But... I am going to name a few anyway. Before I start, I want to make a brief disclaimer. If you are a woman with whom I have crossed paths at any time in my life, please know that I have tried to learn from you, I have engaged in our relationship whole-heartedly and you have impacted my life in some way whether you know it or not. I have taken something away from our interaction that has affected my life.

Obviously the woman who inspired me most at an early age was my mom. She made her own clothes and always had jewelry and heels to match. She managed the household with ease, our house was always clean and she taught me how to play basketball. Because of her, all I ever wanted was to grow up and get married and have babies. My sister, Denise, inspires me in much the same way but with the added pressure of being a working mom yet doing it so well. I admire her strength and her drive to provide.

Before I was school aged, I was surround by women who encouraged me and gave me hope, probably without knowing it. I don't have a lot of early memories but I remember that the most loving arms next to my mom's were my Aunt Georgia's. I remember my Aunt Susie's laugh and my Aunt Rosemary's artistry and my oldest cousin Linda was always so beautiful. I loved when she hot-rolled my hair and feathered it like Farrah Fawcett. My best friend Diane's mom, Lois would stand on the porch and yell for her boys to come home at dinner time and she was really funny sometimes. What power...

Speaking of Diane... We have been friends since before we could walk or talk. That's 44 years for those who are counting and I don't want to know what life is like without her. There is not one moment of my life that I have not shared with her and I am forever grateful for Diane.

When I got to school, there were some teachers along the way to led me to believe that I had some sort of special ability that would project me out into the world and make me successful. My kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Droste taught everyone in my neighborhood for more than thirty years. Sister Marie was a beast in the classroom but when I saw her outside of school, she was sweet. She was my first lesson in code switching. Mrs. Walsh made me a writer. Sister Bea made me a singer. Senora Waugh made me appreciate my education. And in college, Dr. Birkmann made me a teacher.

And let's not forget my girl friends! My teammates taught me how to enjoy the wins and how to survive the losses. They taught me that a group of girls with nothing in common but sport can become family, that great things happen when you stick together and that life will never be the same once you are part of a team.

Right after college, in my years of enlightenment, I found Jesus. I mean, I knew him before. I was a confirmed Catholic after all. But I got to know him better thanks to women like The Green Family women... all of them. Kathy Jones and Serena Johnson and Rose Daniels taught me that to love your family was to love Christ. There were so MANY women pouring into my life then. Today, I enjoy the residual friendship of that time with women who, in their twenties then, have grown into incredible examples of motherhood, wife life, entrepreneurship, love and determination.

My Jesus walk led me to my sisterhood with Tiffany. We have been friends, roommates, writing partners, dream sharers, realty TV show contestants and sisters for more than 20 years. As she leaves St. Louis to pursue her dreams in California, she inspires me yet again to strive for that which I was created, to refuse complacency and to live, not just be.

Through my working years, I have been lucky enough to learn from and with some really gifted people. The agency life is wild. The corporate life is complicated. The teaching life is insanely hard but so rewarding. I could not have reached my highest potential in the ad world without the guidance of many writers, project managers, scientists, brand managers, marketing wizards, creative geniuses... There was a woman at Purina, Kathy, who regularly encouraged me to look out for myself and focus on some personal successes. Her advice never went unheard. I just didn't achieve some of the things she encouraged until long after we worked together. But I never would have bought my own home if not for her suggestions. From every job, I have taken a handful of women who still inspire me today.

Finally, I have had enduring friendships over the years without which I clearly would not have survived. My friends from high school and college have all proven that there is nothing a woman can't do, that time does not diminish the possibilities and that women can set aside our competitive nature to support, nurture and encourage one another.

It is difficult for many women to trust other women. While I won't deny that I have had many negative experiences with other women, I will not allow those experiences to overshadow the good.

Finding Freedom, Day 3: Learning to Love Your Story

Long before I was conceived my story began. While I don't know all of the pieces from that frame of time, I do know that a pretty red-haired teenage girl from a big, Catholic family in north St. Louis county met a tall, good-looking guy from the south side and things happened. And from that brief union, I was created.

The chaotic wildness surrounding that union is part of my story too. One thing the 70's was not was boring. People were protesting the Vietnam War and the shooting at Kent State occurred. The Beatles broke up. Bobby Orr was a hockey hero. Gay rights soared to the forefront of the news when activists organized in every state across the country. Disney World opened, punk music hit the scene, and I was born.

When I was three days old, I was turned over to a foster family who cared for me until my adoption began six weeks later. My mom and dad took me home, introduced me to the rest of the family and  my life really began. My hardworking father owned a grocery store where he was a butcher while my mom stayed home, tending to the household, serving dinner promptly at 5PM every night. At the age of four, I was blessed with a little sister. Her birthday was the day after mine. I didn't care. I had my own room but I wanted to sleep with the baby so I did.

I went to private Catholic schools. By second grade my indoctrination into the sporting world began with basketball, followed by volleyball and then, finally, softball. I played all three sports through my sophomore year in high school. Then I carried my love for volleyball into college. I also played basketball in college but I joined mostly for the camaraderie of the team and because I thought the coach was hot.

I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17 and I wanted to die when I finally did. It was awful and I was certain he was trying to suffocate me. I liked boys. I liked looking at them. They were just so weird. And they scared me. I wasn't really sure how all of that worked. Needless to say, I held onto my virginity until I was well into college.

In my early college days, I discovered a bit more about my birth parents' backgrounds through a letter left at the adoption agency by my birth mom, Denice. She was so incredibly attentive. For ten years after my adoption, she returned to the agency to update my medical records. Most adopted kids don't have that. I learned that I was the only child to whom she ever gave birth. She was not in a relationship with my birth father. He was married to someone else and already had two other children. I was one of a kind, apparently.

Later on, in my 30s, I met her: my birth mom. She wanted more from me than I could offer. So our contact was short-lived. But during that time, she gave me my birth father's name and I began the quest to find him. Ten years later, I met my oldest sister, followed my a myriad of family members.

There are many things about my story that are influenced by my birth and many others influenced by my upbringing. Some are difficult for me to talk about but for the most part, I have always loved my story. I love the ridiculousness of it the most because it makes sense that someone like me, just being who I am today, and who was born in the 70s doesn't have a boring history. My history is rich and bizarre and riddled with bad choices and tough decisions and sheer lunacy.

But it is my story and I have learned to love the really awful stuff almost as much as I love the parts that are easy to love. A big part of finding freedom is learning to love your story. I love mine and because of that, I am free.

Finding Freedom, Day 4: Phenomenal Woman

Phenomenal Woman

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Finding Freedom, Day 5: The Urge to Fly

Forever, it seems, I have had the urge to fly the coop and venture off into horizons of a new and different kind. To leave the home I have known so long and forge a new kind of life, still on the same path just in a new location, always seemed impossible. And now I sit on the doorstep of my 45th birthday wondering what might have been.

What if I had not been afraid to leave home? What if I had more confidence as a young girl and had gone away to college? What if I had taken a job three states away? What if I didn't have the overwhelming sense of responsibility for my parents that shackles my curiosity? What if I had acted on my urge to fly?

Those little nimble musicians of the air, that warble forth their curious ditties, with which nature hath furnished them to the shame of art.  ~Izaak Walton

Finding Freedom, Day 6: I don't do well...

"Is there anything you're not good at?"

Yes, as a matter of fact, I don't do well with many things.

I don't do well in situations where I cannot see the eventual outcome.
I don't do well in traffic and I absolutely hate driving in the rain.
I am not good at obeying doctor's orders which might be why i am in pain almost all the time.
I don't do well in crowds of pretentious people who stare down their noses at me and my decisions.
I don't do well with saying NO. Even when others take advantage of me, it is difficult for me to tell them to fuck off like I probably should.
I don't do well with my annual resolve to stop cussing. I know it is wrong or  not lady-like or inappropriate or unprofessional or one of those things all the time. I am pretty sure Jesus never dropped the F-bomb and I really do love me some Jesus. But I also really like to cuss. Sometimes saying, "are you serious?" is not enough. You need a good, "Are you fucking kidding me?" on highway 70 in the mornings sometimes. And, "I am so mad at you" is just not as effective as the big ol' F YOU in certain situations. (Forgive me Father...)
I don't do well with church. I like church. But these days, I like church online, from my couch.
I don't do well in romantic or intimate relationships. I think like a self-proclaimed life-long bachelor even though I long to be married and a mommy.
I don't do well with people who try to make me feel stupid.
I don't do well with being laughed at... it stirs up an anger in me that could probably do some serious damage.
I don't do well with compliments. They make me uncomfortable.
And I really don't do well with surprises. I liken surprises to the torture of being tickled by someone who refuses to stop until you cry or pee.
I don't do well with taking care of myself or looking out for my own needs.
I don't do well with advocating for myself.
I don't do well with demanding what I want. Especially if it might interfere with the desires of someone else.
I don't do well with finishing what I start if what I started is going to move me forward. But if it is for someone else, it is my priority.
I don't do well with paper. I hate filing. OH MY GOD. I always have stacks and stacks of paper everywhere.
I don't do well with putting away laundry either. I usually have to go to the laundry room in the morning to find something to wear because my drawers are empty.

I am sure I could list 100 more. But after a certain point, I don't do well with lists either.